The I will

We needed a video camera for an interview. I took up the responsibility of getting one, somehow. I went around to a couple of places I knew on campus that loaned out cameras. All of them had some reason to refuse one. I got to people who headed Visual clubs. I was unsuccessful there as well. After all the hassle,  we ended up using a friend's DSLR.

Now as I was climbing the numerous stairs in Arts and SDE, I realised that it was important to persevere what you want. I could have given up on going to these corners and enquiring. The only way to find out that we had no video camera was, however that.

I bothered a couple of friends on the way and looked at ways of them being able to help. That was again making sure, the goal wasn't possible.

In the end the message was clear, its all about the will. Yes, I did not get a camera. But, I had the satisfaction of making sure I tried everything I knew possible.

(Almost) Mutiny of pencil warriors

I met with a friend yesterday. We were talking about all things great and small and then I happened to notice his pencils.

Or maybe I should call them pens?

I am not exactly sure. They look like pencils. When it comes to putting them to use we treat them as pens. So technically, they are pens right? And then again it depends on what purpose they are meant for.

If they were meant to be in a photo or just stay in a shelf, they do a very good job as pencils. And when I want to write with them they double up as something else, something entirely different.

I felt so much for the poor pencils (Sorry, I feel like calling them pencils). SO much for their identity crisis.

And then I stopped feeling bad. I realised that you and me are going through that everyday. Someone inside, someone else outside. If not different inside and outside, we end up showing different parts of ourself and our personality to different people/at different places. Its hardly ever the full package right?

The pencils are not going through any crisis. The pencils are normal. They fit in this world. They fit with you. They fit with me. They are happy-smart-little pencils who know how this world works.

I don't need to stress my head over the (supposed) injustice brought to these men! I don't need to plan a mutiny for the pencil warriors.

Kelli Anderson

I watched a TED talk by Kelli Anderson. She is a designer, illustrator and artist. She designs things which make the world a more informed place. A more happy place. This is her TED talk!

She talks about some of her wonderful creations like using paper to play music (I am not kidding you) and this tiny postcard, that tells a story of itself!

I have been amazed more than anything else. That designing and art can include the world and its reality. You can include them to change them. To bring imagination to them. Just a plain awesome thought. I have never thought about art in this way. I usually try to draw something exactly as I see it.

Starting today, I am including this thought in whatever I draw. Drawing to change!

Hungry Stones

I went for a friend's dance performance last friday! Hungry Stones, by Raka Maitra with NUS Indian Dance. It was a lovely night! The dance was evolved from Odissi in a contemporary way I presume.

Like the title suggests its about hungry stones. The house music was welcoming - reminding me of the deep culture of India! It was a good start. The installation was neat and interesting. A pot of water up-stage and water was dripping from the ceiling into the pot. The performers appeared in a while as silent as the walls and slowly moved into the stage, to an increasing beat. Graceful movements created a classy atmosphere.

The dance went on to show different stories of a long-gone century. Passionate lovers, cheerful maidens sharing their little stories and them viewing a glimpse of reality. It was an emotionally powerful performance in my opinion.

There were bits when I could not figure out what they were conveying specifically. The performers' melodramatic expressions made up for this and the general feeling was revealed! The light and sound complimented everything else.

And like I said before, it was a lovely night! I left the show thinking about how inanimate things know so much about our lives. How they are taking in all the stories and keeping them hidden inside. Stones must know a great deal. Stones must be having souls.

Easy vs Right

It was a long night, last night. Me and a close friend were trying to get a lab report done. We were up till 3 figuring out things and putting all the stresses and strains together.

Civil labs are usually self-explanatory. They list down provisions and expectations quite explicitly. You just have to get the experiment right and make sure your data makes sense. While THIS had always been a tough job, we faced something more rigorous with last night's report. The provisions were insufficient. The expectations were sky high. It required a more engaging performance from us. We had to look up information and collect equations to formulate the results. And that obviously took more time and effort.

Anyway, getting back to the night. We went to bed at 3 but ended up having one of those deep conversations about life. I dont even know when we dozed off.

...

The alarm from both our phones went crazy at 8 am. We both had early classes. My body cringed for more sleep and I was reluctantly trying to open my dead eyes. It was decision time. Should I bunk my class? It was graded. Sure. But I had gone to ALL my classes every week till today. It should be okay to bunk one day right? I would get to sleep. I needed that badly. On the other hand, I would break off my chain. I would miss a percent or two for bunking that class. Did it matter though? You know, in the grand scheme of things. I am sure it dint.

But then I remembered something 'you always have to choose between whats easy and whats right..'. Easy, is simply easy and right is almost always hard. I bit my lips and sat up. I knew what I had to do. I rushed to get ready and ran off to class.

All was well. The class was interesting. The report was submitted on time. The right decision always turns out to be .. well, 'right'! Of course and the fruits of benefits are amazing.

Also, I am going to bed early.

Night!

Letters

I love letters. Writing them and getting them. No one writes letters any more. I miss letters.

I remember as a child, my favourite uncle used to travel a lot. And whenever he went to a new place he would send us an letter. The stamp was always meant for me. He had taught me how to remove the stamp from the envelope tactfully and without damage. I enjoyed the process! It was my little ritual.

Now my uncle is retired. He doesn't travel anymore. More importantly he stopped writing me letters. Not just him. I remember when almost everyday dad would pick up letters from the mailbox. Now he hardly does. E-mails. Those unfriendly impersonal electronic mails.

The romance of letters is something close to flight rides, for me. You write a letter, in a place, on a desk in some part of the world. Then you post it. Carrying evidences of from where it came, the letter arrives at your place, somewhere else. You open the letter and it transports you to the person who wrote one for you. You see them writing that letter. You feel them. The bliss.

In all the internet dependent life, letters have become a thing of the past. Even banks which used to post ten million things to you, have reduced their letters. They make you e-transcriptions for most cases.

I wonder if they'll ever make a comeback.

Letters, my fingers are crossed for you. Till then I will do my part and hope to induce your comeback.

Sun rays and black tea

I love early mornings! Its the most pleasant time of the day. The sun starts taking a peek and floods my room with yellow. The sweeper is meticulously brushing leaves off the green grass. The brushing is almost a tune to the ear.

The dew on the grass is fresh. And the smell wafts through the air and in through the windows. A plain screen in front of me. And a cup of black tea by the side. Everything is in the perfect state!

Its a lovely time to think about the rest of the day; to make notes; to take some calm from outside to within; to think; to stretch; to read; to just be. I am beginning to love these early mornings. They are a pleasure to the soul.

Try it. Just one day. Go to bed early. Have sufficient sleep. Ask your mind to wake you up at dawn and go to bed. Wake up and breathe.

Wake up and do what you like the most.

Wake up and just be.

Books - how they keep me going..

I have always loved books. The smell, the touch of pages. The excitement in turning pages to find out more. Ever since I can remember, I have enjoyed one. Thanks to mom mostly always took a book before going to bed. I used to follow her lead and read. And thanks to dad who never refused anything to do with a book. Both of them stock up books like crazy so much so that our house has two walls of books. You can imagine growing up in such a place.

The love was for a long time only around fiction. A trip to the library every two weeks. A 20 minutes session of high. Its always amazing to enter the worlds of the characters. It is exciting to look at things from their eyes, to know what they are thinking. Mostly to just knowing so much about a scene. In real life, its never like that. We are always looking at things from our perspective and only see as much as the eye can reach. This bubble is broken in fiction and the horizon spreads around a couple of people. Sometimes I wish how it would be if that were to happen for real!

A recent love has been self-help books. They have come to be an interesting foray. I call it foray because I never believed in them. I thought I dint need them. And what can beat fiction? Until a friend rather pushed me into it! I could not be more grateful. I have to come to love them and the amount of knowledge I get from them.

The little things about my actions, more awareness around, more observation, more calmness, more thinking before saying, less fights, less uncalled-for-arguments, more confidence and more hope.

It is doing wonders! I know it will continue to. Its truly taken a place close to heart.

PS: DREAMING of the day I get my own wall of books!

The sugar-coated X!

I started this semester with a checklist that measures my productivity every week. It was going well. But at one point it got boring to fill out the form. A close friend was helping me monitor my progress and grill me if dont stick to targets.

Slowly after a month and a half I was getting irregular at filling it out. Even though, I did what I set out to do each day, the feeling of staying on a mission was lost. And that killed some amount of enthusiasm. 'What goes around, comes around' and it eventually affected the performance also.

At the right time, I was introduced to the X-ing by another friend! Its been ten days and I have a much more positive feeling about this one than the older method.

I have a list of essential tasks for each day. At the end of the day if I am done with the task, I get a HUGE CHOCOLATY cross on the calendar for that task! The feeling of putting that cross, ah heaven - and knowing you have earned it. Its an amazing little five seconds. A huge grin runs around my face! Its pure triumph, really.

Whatever happens and I am unable to stick to the scheduled timing for a task, I cram it in the day somehow. Like right now. The blogpost was due early morning. Thanks to being a bit lenient on myself, I get a deserved-cross for the day if I get it done somehow :)

Mom believes in it and encourages the innocence of a child in us like no other. This simple celebration of victory excites the kid!

Have a simple task to get done? Try X-ing it away, it is working for me :) Detailed article here!

Farewell, 'confused'

I have a blog description under the title endangered. Up there, yes! I made a list of the glorious things that get me excited. Right now its the perfect way it should be.

Just a day before if you had noticed it also said confused. My blogger name was also concusfused. I was inspired by that idea for a while. I thought the confusion in me portrayed some part of me that dint know what was going on. Just yesterday though I realised something. No one knows whats going on.

We all know where we want to head. We know what we want to do in life. Some of us know exactly how we should get there. Some more of us are already doing what they want to! And me, I am dreaming up that life. I know exactly the way it should be. I am preparing with the little things that will lead up to that life. It is going just the way it should be!

Sure, I do not know what life has in store for me. However, I know what I will demand of it. I know what will make me happy!

And while this chain of thought goes elsewhere I should to stop to say, I am actually not confused anymore. Atleast not confused about my place.

Why then should the exquisite list of things that describe my life carry confused? Yes, so its out. Over and done with!

Heels!

I love heels. I love the clicks they make when you walk around. I love the little 2 inches they give. I love that they come is the most exquisite of colours and designs. I love the curve from the toe to the heel. I could go for days just looking at stilettos!

Also, I usually don't wear heels. I have been gifted with a tall frame. So firstly, the necessity is lacking. I love wearing them. But secondly, it feels pretty odd when you are towering above average height especially on campus.

Just yesterday, I was working on something when this whole ideas for shoes took a walk into my head. I still remember vividly each one and each pattern. I cant wait to make sketches of the ideas (as soon as my midterms are done!) Its like how Harry Potter walked into Rowling's head. Swish, one swift entry. And suddenly I went into an imaginary realm where I was designing exquisite shoes for the world and becoming the Coco of shoes. I was even having my own fashion show!

Dhanya's shoes sounds pretty lame. I should cook up a brand name. That, I should.

Well, for now the designs will be out in a couple of days. Watch out!
(Thats a John Galliano right there! Sigh)

The first flight

My parents are so not the traveling kind. They love their familiar surroundings and people. Holidays as a child were spent at grandparents places or learning new something at school. Thanks to this approach, I engaged in a lot of sports and art as a kid! On the flip side, I never got to take a flight.

It was always a longing feeling, I remember. Go back to school in July and friends came back with exquisite pink disneyland bags, flashy notebooks and chunky digital watches bought in Amreeka - where they went for a holiday that summer. I would just have my Trichy and Tennis stories to share. No pink bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. Well, not from Amreeka at least.

Eventually it did happen. The flight ride that is. I took my first one to Singapore for university. The excitement was shadowed by all the grief of leaving home. God, had I teared buckets that day. So much so that dad was ready to cancel the ordeal. I could not be blamed. I was leaving my life behind. I was leaving everything that I knew behind. I was leaving a lot of love behind.

The excitement, yes. It was around. I paused the river of agony running down my cheeks for the ritual of first take-off. It was dad and me. Sitting in the last row of the flight. They were emergency seats (lots of leg room, yay!). I clenched my tummy as a sinking feeling set in. Ears were blocked. Ever since that plane crash that happened after landing on the runway, I acquired a habit. To pray before the take-off and landing. Prayers were said. The flight took off. I let the river resume its flow.

The first flight did happen.

Be careful what you wish, cause it just might come true!

No pink disneyland bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. But yes flying. Irony never took a more melancholy dive. Till today, every time I leave home I am wishing I have to take that flight back.

Its a whole new life here. Whole new romance here. Just, not home.

Infinite Happiness

Nothing is better than infinite happiness.
A piece of chocolate is better than nothing.

So wait.. a piece of chocolate is better than infinite happiness!

What are you waiting for? Go have a piece of chocolate, we just found its better than infinite happiness!

Lol-read of the day :) Just reading this gave me a shot of happiness, moments back!

Selfless giving

We all know a mother's selfless giving! Some of us are lucky enough to experience it everyday.

It has been a season of sharing among close friends with first salaries and valentines. One close friend took up an idea of buying us gifts from her first salary! And she has been genuinely selfless about it. It sparked a sense of giving in the gang. We were speaking about it earlier in the day. It got me thinking about being selfless.

I wrote to some close friends and family in the last month. I did not expect a note in return. One doesn't have to write a note to return the love. They would do it in their own way. Aside that, I thought it was a wonderful feeling being selfless.

Right at this moment, the illusion of selfless breaks! I am not being selfless, in my head I am still selfish for their love.

In some twisted indirect way we end up being selfish. I am also referring to selfish for a good cause! You want your family/city/country to be better and that would account for selfishness as well.

As long as it means well I guess :)

“Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. 

Listen to it carefully.” ― Richard Bach

PS: The mother's love however is an exception. I believe its surely selfless!

I've learned

Reblogged from A Learning a day! A lovely note :)


I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Unknown unknowns!

There are known knowns; there are things we know we know.
We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns – there are things we do not know we don't know.

- Donald Rumsfeld

My professor quoted this wonderful saying at a soil lecture today. He used it to explain how there might be numerous factors involved in foundation design and we can only make sure we account until the known unknowns. 

It struck me how this quote applies to life in general. Our knowledge is a tiny speck in this huge universe. What we know about anything is only so much. Unknown unknowns account for everything that happens around us without our consent. Unknown unknowns are probably the dudes whom we have named destiny. Remarkable realization today. 

In such an ignorant existence, we can only aim to expand our tiny speck of knowledge! Why waste time judging others. We don't know what we don't know about the world. Well then why waste time on it. Why not make the known knowns matter! 

Love and live :)

Also reminded me of an e-mail I received once. An artist's portrayal of the same thought. Heres the painting made into a lovely video, do watch!

This is where it starts

I was on the phone with pigs (the darling brother!) last night. We were catching up with the stories on both the ends.

Last week, he went to a KFC outlet with his friends for a snack. For a store with only two tables filled, KFC took too long to get the chicken. They spotted a feedback counter and decided to log in the bad customer service. The manager spotted the bunch of excited teenagers, figured out what they were up to and decided to give them complimentary chicken. Apparently he doubled their order.

Pigs and his friends decided to ditch the feedback form in return for the compliments that were jumping down their throat.

Now, I am a fan of chicken. I am a big fan of KFC chicken. To be sure. To be very sure. Nevertheless, I find it extremely hard to digest the fact that they decided to go back on their feedback. Its a bunch of teenagers showing inclination towards bribery. Acceptance rather in this case.

This is where it starts, sadly. 17 years old and they don't mind free chicken for not reporting. 30 and 40 God knows what they will not mind. The future of India is with these kids.

(Yea and he got an hour of grilling on his and his friends' value system. He swore never to tell me any stories from now..)

With all my heart

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"

- "I will be found by you"

Lovely.

I have this little note stuck on my notice board. I find it extremely inspiring. Everytime I think of procastinating a to-do or discarding a work or giving up on someone, this little red note flashes inside my mind.

I have been coming across the concept of 'staying longer' a lot these days. A lot of endorsement for letting the game go on till you get what you want. Profound.

Seek, I will. With all my heart.

I Wont Give Up

I am on an energising morning roll the past three weeks. I wake up at 7 take a couple of energy pills with books, meditation and exercise. It made me feel new and vibrant. Helped me get on with the rest of the day. Three weeks of bliss.

All was well till today. I did not go to bed on time, and hence I refused to listen to my alarm at 7. I snoozed all the way till 8. I was going to push snooze one more time at 8.05 when I noticed my to-do list on the phone. The first one was 'I wont give up'. I did not understand how that came on my to-do list. I usually write down things which are due the next day, or things which I have to tell close friends. This did not make sense. It must be divine intervention I told myself.

Whatever it was, it sure woke me up. I skipped the energy pills, felt lost for sometime and got on with work. I bunked my classes after a long time. I couldnt concentrate on my assignment and ended up submitting some half-baked stuff.

It hit me.

A close friend was telling me about this song of Jason Mraz 'I wont give up'. I had written it down so I wouldnt forget. The song turned out to be a nice hear.

I realised what happened. I gave up for a short while and the day was almost ruined. I wont, not now! Back on track now. Oh and it surely must have been divine intervention :P

The song btw,

Meditation

I am reading 'The Monk who sold his ferrari' by Robin Sharma. Its a wonderful book. EVery sentence makes so much sense. He talks about things you can do to make your life productive. And he approaches them in a very spiritual way.

One of the ideas in the book is to meditate on a rose. Its called the 'Heart of a Rose technique'. You pick up a rose and concentrate on its every fold and texture. When other thoughts enter your head you slowly refuse them and bring your mind back to the rose. It improves concentration and gives you peace he claims.

I love the idea. I have tried my hand at meditation before. I concentrate on my breath and try to be aware of every stroke of air I take in. It used to be very calming early in the morning. I remember feeling very refreshed. I lost the discipline for it after a while. Its high time I went back to this. Ten minutes of calm is the challenge! Lets see how it goes.