Living alone

I've been living alone the past 10 ish days. My flat mates are both out of town and it's been a tremendous time alone. 

I've been lonely, not alone. I enjoy alone.  

As I came home to an empty apartment every evening, I asked myself many questions about solitude. I don't spend every waking moment with my flat mates when they are around. It's a 10 minute conversation and some laughter; sharing. 

No. I realized, it's more than that - it's the assurance of acceptance next door; it's knowing my company; it's the comfort familiarity provides; it's trust; it's safety; it's belonging. It's all the emotions I associate with my friends. 

And as I looked inside, I felt other things - fear and incompetency growing on me; deserted, unwanted, and unhappy. It was as if my deepest fears chose the perfect time to resurface. Today, I chose to fight these thoughts with some loud music, pizza, and coke. They left the building faster than they entered. If only I had done this every night! 

Yet, the question remains. Why do I feel this? Why couldn't I handle this week in comfort of knowing they'll be home soon? It is quite difficult to be lonely with access to internet. Yet, I managed to pursue that emotion. 

I believe the answer lies in me refusing to look. I believe the answer lies in asking myself these questions, till I find the reason for my fears. I believe the answer lies in asking why over and over again. I believe the answer lies in diverting this energy into something productive.

I won't be lonely then, will I?

Looking into her eyes

I've blogged about this before. And I find myself compelled to write about this again.

More than 2 years after I wrote about being shy when saying thank you and not looking at someone's eyes, I am glad to say I've changed that pattern!

Today, I find myself looking for opportunities everywhere to say my thank yous. And when I do look into the eyes of the person, there's a moment of connection. I am also starting to think that those moments of connection go a long way in building existing relationships and forging new ones.

Here it is - easy peasy. Before you begin to say something make eye contact. That''ll establish a pull which will help you get the words going. Smile if you must, and continue talking.

Congratulations, you've just made a new friend!

Living in Kairos

I watched this amazing movie called Kakka Muttai. It's a simple story about 2 brothers living in a slum in Chennai and their quest to eat a pizza. 

The story is a non-judgmental take on people and their wants.. 

As much as I loved the tiny well-portrayed scenes, what I loved the most was the overarching theme - the kids live in their kairos. Kairos is a greek word that signifies a time lapse, a moment of indeterminate time in which everything happens. 

Kairos.

Picking up coals that get them 15 cents a day. Staring at the sky for hours thinking about how they'll earn bucks to buy a pizza. Climbing trees. Stealing crow's eggs. Leaving an egg for the crow. Petting a puppy. Trying to sell their stray puppy. Innocent smiles. Innocent questions. Mother's love. Aaya's love. Aaya's presence of mind when she tries to recreate the pizza with dosa and veggies. Enjoying the TV. Counting the hard earned money. 'My name is chinna kakka muttai' introductions. Thirst to earn their pizza by themselves. 

Unassuming, beautiful time spent as kairos. 

Watch the movie. Or think about your kairos. I tried it today - stopped myself from focusing on multiple things at the same time; tried directing thoughts towards one point; tried enjoying the MRT ride with my eyes closed. It was pleasurable - the same things I do every day were even more pleasurable.