To make him happy

Sachin finally made his 100th 100! Phew. How long has the world been waiting for this one. I am no sports buff. But thanks to family and friends filled with adrenaline for sports, even I knew this one was due a long time. 

Thats not however the highlight of this post. Dad called me the other day. He sounded extremely happy. I haven't heard the cheerfulness in his voice in quite sometime. His genuine energy translated into a huge grin on my face!

It was Sachin. Dad is a huge cricket fan! I remember growing up with cricket matches on the TV and dad with his fingers crossed! He would sometimes switch off the tv, saying it was bad luck for the team. Haha. 

We talked about Sachin, my internship applications and our days. It was a refreshing call that night. I realised something as we said our good nights. I would do anything to keep this man happy. I would do anything to hear him speak like that. 

I miss you and your silent love. 

To all the sensibility and perfection you taught me. And continue to do so. 

Sun rays and black tea

I love early mornings! Its the most pleasant time of the day. The sun starts taking a peek and floods my room with yellow. The sweeper is meticulously brushing leaves off the green grass. The brushing is almost a tune to the ear.

The dew on the grass is fresh. And the smell wafts through the air and in through the windows. A plain screen in front of me. And a cup of black tea by the side. Everything is in the perfect state!

Its a lovely time to think about the rest of the day; to make notes; to take some calm from outside to within; to think; to stretch; to read; to just be. I am beginning to love these early mornings. They are a pleasure to the soul.

Try it. Just one day. Go to bed early. Have sufficient sleep. Ask your mind to wake you up at dawn and go to bed. Wake up and breathe.

Wake up and do what you like the most.

Wake up and just be.

The first flight

My parents are so not the traveling kind. They love their familiar surroundings and people. Holidays as a child were spent at grandparents places or learning new something at school. Thanks to this approach, I engaged in a lot of sports and art as a kid! On the flip side, I never got to take a flight.

It was always a longing feeling, I remember. Go back to school in July and friends came back with exquisite pink disneyland bags, flashy notebooks and chunky digital watches bought in Amreeka - where they went for a holiday that summer. I would just have my Trichy and Tennis stories to share. No pink bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. Well, not from Amreeka at least.

Eventually it did happen. The flight ride that is. I took my first one to Singapore for university. The excitement was shadowed by all the grief of leaving home. God, had I teared buckets that day. So much so that dad was ready to cancel the ordeal. I could not be blamed. I was leaving my life behind. I was leaving everything that I knew behind. I was leaving a lot of love behind.

The excitement, yes. It was around. I paused the river of agony running down my cheeks for the ritual of first take-off. It was dad and me. Sitting in the last row of the flight. They were emergency seats (lots of leg room, yay!). I clenched my tummy as a sinking feeling set in. Ears were blocked. Ever since that plane crash that happened after landing on the runway, I acquired a habit. To pray before the take-off and landing. Prayers were said. The flight took off. I let the river resume its flow.

The first flight did happen.

Be careful what you wish, cause it just might come true!

No pink disneyland bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. But yes flying. Irony never took a more melancholy dive. Till today, every time I leave home I am wishing I have to take that flight back.

Its a whole new life here. Whole new romance here. Just, not home.

Selfless giving

We all know a mother's selfless giving! Some of us are lucky enough to experience it everyday.

It has been a season of sharing among close friends with first salaries and valentines. One close friend took up an idea of buying us gifts from her first salary! And she has been genuinely selfless about it. It sparked a sense of giving in the gang. We were speaking about it earlier in the day. It got me thinking about being selfless.

I wrote to some close friends and family in the last month. I did not expect a note in return. One doesn't have to write a note to return the love. They would do it in their own way. Aside that, I thought it was a wonderful feeling being selfless.

Right at this moment, the illusion of selfless breaks! I am not being selfless, in my head I am still selfish for their love.

In some twisted indirect way we end up being selfish. I am also referring to selfish for a good cause! You want your family/city/country to be better and that would account for selfishness as well.

As long as it means well I guess :)

“Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. 

Listen to it carefully.” ― Richard Bach

PS: The mother's love however is an exception. I believe its surely selfless!

I've learned

Reblogged from A Learning a day! A lovely note :)


I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

This is where it starts

I was on the phone with pigs (the darling brother!) last night. We were catching up with the stories on both the ends.

Last week, he went to a KFC outlet with his friends for a snack. For a store with only two tables filled, KFC took too long to get the chicken. They spotted a feedback counter and decided to log in the bad customer service. The manager spotted the bunch of excited teenagers, figured out what they were up to and decided to give them complimentary chicken. Apparently he doubled their order.

Pigs and his friends decided to ditch the feedback form in return for the compliments that were jumping down their throat.

Now, I am a fan of chicken. I am a big fan of KFC chicken. To be sure. To be very sure. Nevertheless, I find it extremely hard to digest the fact that they decided to go back on their feedback. Its a bunch of teenagers showing inclination towards bribery. Acceptance rather in this case.

This is where it starts, sadly. 17 years old and they don't mind free chicken for not reporting. 30 and 40 God knows what they will not mind. The future of India is with these kids.

(Yea and he got an hour of grilling on his and his friends' value system. He swore never to tell me any stories from now..)

Irony

A bunch of close friends and I set out last night to get some ice cream. We were talking about relationships and about how its always nice to have a fling. Someone to yap to. Someone to look forward to. Haha and we were talking about the ones that got away.

It got me thinking. What we were looking for was just someone to talk to. However when your mom tries to call you, you don't really want to spend hours telling her about your day. 

You dont ever want to talk to the person who wants to talk to you. The availability makes us take them for granted? And the unavailability seems to make it interesting maybe?

Irony haa. Why do we do this? All I can do right now is call mom though :)

In a Child's Innocence

It was a very short trip back home. Largely, because I tried to rebel against the system and made sure I had only those two weeks off. It was nice time. Love and food as usual. Some expected hassles. Some unexpected hassles. Road trips. One lovely day at grandparents place.

It was bonding time with dad. Much needed. Both of us packed and took a train to visit grandparents. We reached early in the morning and took a chilling auto ride at 5 in the morning. I miss those auto rides. Early in the morning, every summer/december it was the four of us, filling up one tiny auto to get to the family home. The packed feeling always assured me that we were there for each other. That it was always going to be this way. The four souls in one packet resting on each other.

Entering the familiar road and the brown pillared house comes to view. To see chittis(aunts) and chittappas(uncles) greeting us at the thinnai(veranda). It feels warm. And suddenly all the chill from the auto ride vanishes.

Grandparents are very old by now. Thatha(Grandfather) is 86 and Aaya(Grandmother) is 79. Aaya doesnt walk much and Thatha tries not to. The house has lost most of the vibrance these two used to hold up. Its visits like mine from their grandchildren, thats keeping them going now. It is clearly their last few years. I cant help but remember everything they have taught us. Every little attribute of theirs I possess. Every single advice thatha used to shower on us. Every meal aaya made and her unspoken lessons. I have made it a point to visit them whenever I can. Its all I can do for them. Just be around and assure them of my well-being.

Breakfast was perfect with (chitti's) world's best onion chutney. Idlis and Dosais. Sigh. (Reality of bread/fried rice flashes inside. Yuck) Lunch was (kutti) onion sambhar and selection of vegetable curries. Yummy homemade pickle. Its called family home for these reasons I guess. Its lovely, its perfect, its rare.

After lunch appa took me on a ride around town. I have not sat on a bike in a really long time. The breeze in my face is just enough to ride all my life as pillion. A little tour of the schools he studied in. The family home in town. The hospital where I was born. Amma's college. The market street. It was a gratifying 2 hours.

There is a little girl at home. Jashwanti. All of 3. She was my biggest entertainment for the rest of the evening. Attentive, smart, innocent, worry-less, loving, caring, happy and thin. She was everything I wanted to be. She was walking around with a pack of cards without knowing what they were. The bigger kids had cards so she also had one. Thats it. She dint need anymore reasoning. I decided to teach her to use them. We sat and split the cards into different shapes. She was just learning numbers. I would put out the cards and asked her to pick a specific number. She would obey and we went on for quite a while.

Another cousin joined us so we decided to teach her another game. A simple game we named Jackpot. You split the cards among the three of us. You turn the pack away from us and keep throwing the cards down into a common pile. Once you get same number as the previous card you take everything collected under. She grasped it in a jiffy. I was unlucky that day and my pile ended in less than 2 minutes. She was busy playing with the other cousin dint notice my expulsion from the game for a while. And then she did. She looked at me and said, 'Irru, ennaku innum cards vanthaune unnaku tharen' (Wait, I'll get more and cards and give you some). A person of her words. She scored a huge pile in the next round and gave me half of her pile. The innocence. The character.

I was amazed. I would have never done that. I am too self contained to do something like that. Even if its just a pack of cards. The thought would not even enter my head. And look at this kid. Thats why the world goes around. Thats why there is still some good in the world. Its innocence like this thats saving the face of the world in all its corruption.

I am humbled.

Stripped Walls

Its a countdown to get home. 5 more days to inexhaustible unlimited supply of hugs and love.

I decided I would pack slowly without straining myself in one day as is practice. I started off with stripping my walls down. I had written earlier here about my room and all the love I derive from it. I was going feed off the living sources of love putting the memories to a spell of break. Today it was time to put those memories into a folder for a newer and more hopeful semester.

Careful tugging of the tape that held the photos to the wall, making sure little pieces of plaster dint come off. Pinching blue tack and securing the notes carrying life lessons. A bend this way, a bend that way to straighten the photos. Plucking of board pins holding movie tickets at GV, boarding pass of first flight to uni, amma's love note, solution to rubik's cube and other romances of everyday life.

Stripping was done. I put them inside my folder and cleared the balls of tape and tack.

One look around the room and it hit me. These tiny pieces of paper were coping a multitude of things for me. They bestowed images on me and polished up everything that was missing.

The room looked eerie. Like a place that had no life. The walls alone had supplied life for the room.

And then again, its funny. How in instances like this we pin our hopes on inanimate things, and in some others even animate people wont do.

Change

I am drinking Milo.

From 'EW-I-cant-even-dream-of-drinking-that' 2 years back to 'ooOO-I-love-milo' right now. Same reaction for Yakult also :P

A lot of my observations these few weeks seem to be about change. It is all around me. I was just talking to a close friend about friendship. She is in a tiff with her friend of 5-6 years. And now she is just perplexed at how people change over such small circumstances. Some for good, some for a while. 

I am becoming aware of a ten million things that have changed in these two years. There is change about myself, about family, about friends and about the air. I seem to perceive everything in a new light every day. I am discovering new things about old issues. Accepting things I wouldn't have dreamt of accepting in the past. 

'Things dont change, we change'

PS: I also noticed how most of my posts are open-ended. I have realized now it works for me most. When I come back to it, I seem to ponder more on the same subject!

I am growing up

It was a huge realisation last night. A couple of dots in the past few days connected last night.

A Facebook friend of mine got married! Yes. She's as old as me, a schoolmate. And she's married! I was mind fucked (Pardon the language, but I dont think there is any other word to describe my state) for a few hours. I went on and on about it. I even called my mom up to share the news. I expected her to be appalled. Well, because I was. She laughed it off. And asked whats so surprising in that. I started gushing at her and asked her HOW in the world was it normal/ or even laughable. She said she got married when she was 20. In my opinion, that was 23 years back and that does NOT count. Anyway, she went on to reason that the girl probably finished her graduation and her parents also thought she should be married. That is not how things work for me. No WAY. Aren't you supposed to be working? Or if you dont want to work, travelling? Or I dont know, do something else. Surely not marrying! To top it all the guy looked very young (I am serious. When I say very I mean 'very') and they even went globetrotting for their honeymoon.

Couple of days back a friend was talking about her cousin getting married. Again, the protagonist of this story is aged 20. She also just decided to get married. Somehow, her being from another country justified the marriage for me. I did not know anything of their culture, tradition or societal norms. So maybe it was normal. We just moved on to lavish weddings and expensive gowns.

A friend of a friend was acting in some movie and I was looking up some details. It was a love story of sorts. But yet again the heroine is 20 :O

And yes thats when it hit me that I was growing up. I wasn't a school kid anymore. I wasn't small or tiny. I was a woman. Almost 20. And it is no surprise that girls my age were making huge life decisions by now. It wasn't about the culture. It was just about time for some people.

Yes. I have chosen to do other things at the same time. I want to get my undergraduate degree, a few years of work experience doing what I love, some money in my bank account and an independent single life before I get into all the family jazz. Thats just me. Some others have made other decisions. There was nothing appalling there. And I am telling myself (as mom put it) 'Dhanya It's quite normal'.

I wonder how, I wonder why

I was at clementi mall a while back. I was having lunch with a friend at Burger King. To our right, there was a 70-something couple having their meal. The woman was in a wheel chair and the man was pushing her around. They were eating fries and were sharing a drink with two straws in it.

I haven't seen something so awe and so cute and oh-god in sooo long! It made me wonder if I'd want that if I was ever in a wheel chair. I do. I am guessing almost every other person would too.

And then again I saw this video on facebook. About an excellent singer on X factor. He was a handicapped Iranian by origin, adopted by an Australian Mother. His performance was moving for many reasons. What I noticed was however, the mother - Moira Kelly. She runs Children's First Foundation in Australia. To sum it up - she has changed the lives of many kids and continues to do so.

These two encounters got me thinking about my life and what I want (Yet another time! - I do so much thinking, sometimes I forget to live it :/) Anyway, I was just contemplating. Would I give up having a regular life with a regular family to change people's lives? Can I try and manage both?

I wonder.

Room with a love

I entered my room just now. My bed was neatly done. The cluttered and clutter-free zones on my table look organised in its own way. My shelves are pretty neat too. After a weird night, and some thinking, it is relaxing to see my room. The relaxing room freshener. Things which I wrote to inspire myself. Tamil/Sanskrit prayers in english (fail). Even though I miss the PGP room's coziness, I must say the blinds in Temasek are actually creating a wonderful depth to the room. Looking at the ridiculous picture Pigs framed for me makes me smile and miss him, yet thankful. The candle reminds me of power-cuts at home and how he would want to pee at that exact same instant. I looked at all the people on my wall, people who have meant something, people who mean something, and will for quite a while, people who will always be there, people who make my day, people who make me laugh, people I love. They look down upon my clean room and asked me to smile. There is something in the space that holds some love and feeds my heart every now and then.

I derive my energy from my environment. Thats why I love walking down a green lane. And thats why I am glad my room makes me happy. 

A conversation with Pigs.

I called up my brother today. Reminded me of the days, when we used to have prattling sessions as soon as he comes back from school.

We talk about lazy guys from class, fat teachers, dirty teachers, sick habits of people, burping, beggars, hotels, cars, food, phones, gadgets, pencils, erasers, clothes, shops, farting, singing, dancing, photos, self-obsessions, songs, assignments, crushes, secret outings with friends, driving, my lamborghini dreams, his jaguar and BMW dreams, lunch periods in school, his conversations with pretty girls of his batch, my conversations with smart and cute guys, colourful stationery, how he shouted hello to random passer-bys in a bus, how much i condemn something like that, shit, lizards, yucky food, coke, McD, how we used to pinch each other, how we used to fight like animals from the wild, frog race, dressing up, amma, amma's many sayings, appa, appa when he was angry and i could go on!

Today it was about his trip to a mall in Chennai. This mall was pretty new. And it had only escalators for climbing floors. Before him, stood a bunch of ladies, blocking the path, who had either never seen an escalator OR never been on one. He stood waiting for them to step on it. No, they would not. One would put her foot on it and remove it, giggling as it moved. And then it would be next ones turn. After 3 mins of patience he gave up. He made his way through them and got on it. Smirking to himself, how funny these people made a simple escalator look. And suddenly, a hand caught his leg from behind. Startled, he turned around only to find one of those ladies holding on to him for support. God, how much I laughed. To just imagine a short stout lady clad in synthetic saree, grabbing pig's leg suddenly! Somehow does not seem as funny as it seemed on the phone. :)

Well, this bit adds on to the big book of Balasubramanian-kids'-things-to-talk-about!

PS: Oh yes, I call him Pigs.