Hungry Stones

I went for a friend's dance performance last friday! Hungry Stones, by Raka Maitra with NUS Indian Dance. It was a lovely night! The dance was evolved from Odissi in a contemporary way I presume.

Like the title suggests its about hungry stones. The house music was welcoming - reminding me of the deep culture of India! It was a good start. The installation was neat and interesting. A pot of water up-stage and water was dripping from the ceiling into the pot. The performers appeared in a while as silent as the walls and slowly moved into the stage, to an increasing beat. Graceful movements created a classy atmosphere.

The dance went on to show different stories of a long-gone century. Passionate lovers, cheerful maidens sharing their little stories and them viewing a glimpse of reality. It was an emotionally powerful performance in my opinion.

There were bits when I could not figure out what they were conveying specifically. The performers' melodramatic expressions made up for this and the general feeling was revealed! The light and sound complimented everything else.

And like I said before, it was a lovely night! I left the show thinking about how inanimate things know so much about our lives. How they are taking in all the stories and keeping them hidden inside. Stones must know a great deal. Stones must be having souls.

The first flight

My parents are so not the traveling kind. They love their familiar surroundings and people. Holidays as a child were spent at grandparents places or learning new something at school. Thanks to this approach, I engaged in a lot of sports and art as a kid! On the flip side, I never got to take a flight.

It was always a longing feeling, I remember. Go back to school in July and friends came back with exquisite pink disneyland bags, flashy notebooks and chunky digital watches bought in Amreeka - where they went for a holiday that summer. I would just have my Trichy and Tennis stories to share. No pink bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. Well, not from Amreeka at least.

Eventually it did happen. The flight ride that is. I took my first one to Singapore for university. The excitement was shadowed by all the grief of leaving home. God, had I teared buckets that day. So much so that dad was ready to cancel the ordeal. I could not be blamed. I was leaving my life behind. I was leaving everything that I knew behind. I was leaving a lot of love behind.

The excitement, yes. It was around. I paused the river of agony running down my cheeks for the ritual of first take-off. It was dad and me. Sitting in the last row of the flight. They were emergency seats (lots of leg room, yay!). I clenched my tummy as a sinking feeling set in. Ears were blocked. Ever since that plane crash that happened after landing on the runway, I acquired a habit. To pray before the take-off and landing. Prayers were said. The flight took off. I let the river resume its flow.

The first flight did happen.

Be careful what you wish, cause it just might come true!

No pink disneyland bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. But yes flying. Irony never took a more melancholy dive. Till today, every time I leave home I am wishing I have to take that flight back.

Its a whole new life here. Whole new romance here. Just, not home.

I've learned

Reblogged from A Learning a day! A lovely note :)


I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Unknown unknowns!

There are known knowns; there are things we know we know.
We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns – there are things we do not know we don't know.

- Donald Rumsfeld

My professor quoted this wonderful saying at a soil lecture today. He used it to explain how there might be numerous factors involved in foundation design and we can only make sure we account until the known unknowns. 

It struck me how this quote applies to life in general. Our knowledge is a tiny speck in this huge universe. What we know about anything is only so much. Unknown unknowns account for everything that happens around us without our consent. Unknown unknowns are probably the dudes whom we have named destiny. Remarkable realization today. 

In such an ignorant existence, we can only aim to expand our tiny speck of knowledge! Why waste time judging others. We don't know what we don't know about the world. Well then why waste time on it. Why not make the known knowns matter! 

Love and live :)

Also reminded me of an e-mail I received once. An artist's portrayal of the same thought. Heres the painting made into a lovely video, do watch!

With all my heart

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"

- "I will be found by you"

Lovely.

I have this little note stuck on my notice board. I find it extremely inspiring. Everytime I think of procastinating a to-do or discarding a work or giving up on someone, this little red note flashes inside my mind.

I have been coming across the concept of 'staying longer' a lot these days. A lot of endorsement for letting the game go on till you get what you want. Profound.

Seek, I will. With all my heart.

In a Child's Innocence

It was a very short trip back home. Largely, because I tried to rebel against the system and made sure I had only those two weeks off. It was nice time. Love and food as usual. Some expected hassles. Some unexpected hassles. Road trips. One lovely day at grandparents place.

It was bonding time with dad. Much needed. Both of us packed and took a train to visit grandparents. We reached early in the morning and took a chilling auto ride at 5 in the morning. I miss those auto rides. Early in the morning, every summer/december it was the four of us, filling up one tiny auto to get to the family home. The packed feeling always assured me that we were there for each other. That it was always going to be this way. The four souls in one packet resting on each other.

Entering the familiar road and the brown pillared house comes to view. To see chittis(aunts) and chittappas(uncles) greeting us at the thinnai(veranda). It feels warm. And suddenly all the chill from the auto ride vanishes.

Grandparents are very old by now. Thatha(Grandfather) is 86 and Aaya(Grandmother) is 79. Aaya doesnt walk much and Thatha tries not to. The house has lost most of the vibrance these two used to hold up. Its visits like mine from their grandchildren, thats keeping them going now. It is clearly their last few years. I cant help but remember everything they have taught us. Every little attribute of theirs I possess. Every single advice thatha used to shower on us. Every meal aaya made and her unspoken lessons. I have made it a point to visit them whenever I can. Its all I can do for them. Just be around and assure them of my well-being.

Breakfast was perfect with (chitti's) world's best onion chutney. Idlis and Dosais. Sigh. (Reality of bread/fried rice flashes inside. Yuck) Lunch was (kutti) onion sambhar and selection of vegetable curries. Yummy homemade pickle. Its called family home for these reasons I guess. Its lovely, its perfect, its rare.

After lunch appa took me on a ride around town. I have not sat on a bike in a really long time. The breeze in my face is just enough to ride all my life as pillion. A little tour of the schools he studied in. The family home in town. The hospital where I was born. Amma's college. The market street. It was a gratifying 2 hours.

There is a little girl at home. Jashwanti. All of 3. She was my biggest entertainment for the rest of the evening. Attentive, smart, innocent, worry-less, loving, caring, happy and thin. She was everything I wanted to be. She was walking around with a pack of cards without knowing what they were. The bigger kids had cards so she also had one. Thats it. She dint need anymore reasoning. I decided to teach her to use them. We sat and split the cards into different shapes. She was just learning numbers. I would put out the cards and asked her to pick a specific number. She would obey and we went on for quite a while.

Another cousin joined us so we decided to teach her another game. A simple game we named Jackpot. You split the cards among the three of us. You turn the pack away from us and keep throwing the cards down into a common pile. Once you get same number as the previous card you take everything collected under. She grasped it in a jiffy. I was unlucky that day and my pile ended in less than 2 minutes. She was busy playing with the other cousin dint notice my expulsion from the game for a while. And then she did. She looked at me and said, 'Irru, ennaku innum cards vanthaune unnaku tharen' (Wait, I'll get more and cards and give you some). A person of her words. She scored a huge pile in the next round and gave me half of her pile. The innocence. The character.

I was amazed. I would have never done that. I am too self contained to do something like that. Even if its just a pack of cards. The thought would not even enter my head. And look at this kid. Thats why the world goes around. Thats why there is still some good in the world. Its innocence like this thats saving the face of the world in all its corruption.

I am humbled.

Stripped Walls

Its a countdown to get home. 5 more days to inexhaustible unlimited supply of hugs and love.

I decided I would pack slowly without straining myself in one day as is practice. I started off with stripping my walls down. I had written earlier here about my room and all the love I derive from it. I was going feed off the living sources of love putting the memories to a spell of break. Today it was time to put those memories into a folder for a newer and more hopeful semester.

Careful tugging of the tape that held the photos to the wall, making sure little pieces of plaster dint come off. Pinching blue tack and securing the notes carrying life lessons. A bend this way, a bend that way to straighten the photos. Plucking of board pins holding movie tickets at GV, boarding pass of first flight to uni, amma's love note, solution to rubik's cube and other romances of everyday life.

Stripping was done. I put them inside my folder and cleared the balls of tape and tack.

One look around the room and it hit me. These tiny pieces of paper were coping a multitude of things for me. They bestowed images on me and polished up everything that was missing.

The room looked eerie. Like a place that had no life. The walls alone had supplied life for the room.

And then again, its funny. How in instances like this we pin our hopes on inanimate things, and in some others even animate people wont do.

Love

You only lose what you love - and you often love what you lose.

I read this on a friend's facebook. Very beautiful and very deep I thought. I am going to just speak for myself. I always seem to be running away from what I love. I probably took the old Tamil saying a tad too serious. 'Dushtanai kandaal dhoora vilaghu' (read 'When you see an enemy, stay away from him'). Enemy is analogical to a lot of things. Be it choosing my course, parents or boys. 

So, how do you draw the line between loving and losing? I havnt figured out the answer, but I'll be sure to tell you when I do. 

Joy

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good, things really are - Marianne Williamson

I am growing up

It was a huge realisation last night. A couple of dots in the past few days connected last night.

A Facebook friend of mine got married! Yes. She's as old as me, a schoolmate. And she's married! I was mind fucked (Pardon the language, but I dont think there is any other word to describe my state) for a few hours. I went on and on about it. I even called my mom up to share the news. I expected her to be appalled. Well, because I was. She laughed it off. And asked whats so surprising in that. I started gushing at her and asked her HOW in the world was it normal/ or even laughable. She said she got married when she was 20. In my opinion, that was 23 years back and that does NOT count. Anyway, she went on to reason that the girl probably finished her graduation and her parents also thought she should be married. That is not how things work for me. No WAY. Aren't you supposed to be working? Or if you dont want to work, travelling? Or I dont know, do something else. Surely not marrying! To top it all the guy looked very young (I am serious. When I say very I mean 'very') and they even went globetrotting for their honeymoon.

Couple of days back a friend was talking about her cousin getting married. Again, the protagonist of this story is aged 20. She also just decided to get married. Somehow, her being from another country justified the marriage for me. I did not know anything of their culture, tradition or societal norms. So maybe it was normal. We just moved on to lavish weddings and expensive gowns.

A friend of a friend was acting in some movie and I was looking up some details. It was a love story of sorts. But yet again the heroine is 20 :O

And yes thats when it hit me that I was growing up. I wasn't a school kid anymore. I wasn't small or tiny. I was a woman. Almost 20. And it is no surprise that girls my age were making huge life decisions by now. It wasn't about the culture. It was just about time for some people.

Yes. I have chosen to do other things at the same time. I want to get my undergraduate degree, a few years of work experience doing what I love, some money in my bank account and an independent single life before I get into all the family jazz. Thats just me. Some others have made other decisions. There was nothing appalling there. And I am telling myself (as mom put it) 'Dhanya It's quite normal'.

I wonder how, I wonder why

I was at clementi mall a while back. I was having lunch with a friend at Burger King. To our right, there was a 70-something couple having their meal. The woman was in a wheel chair and the man was pushing her around. They were eating fries and were sharing a drink with two straws in it.

I haven't seen something so awe and so cute and oh-god in sooo long! It made me wonder if I'd want that if I was ever in a wheel chair. I do. I am guessing almost every other person would too.

And then again I saw this video on facebook. About an excellent singer on X factor. He was a handicapped Iranian by origin, adopted by an Australian Mother. His performance was moving for many reasons. What I noticed was however, the mother - Moira Kelly. She runs Children's First Foundation in Australia. To sum it up - she has changed the lives of many kids and continues to do so.

These two encounters got me thinking about my life and what I want (Yet another time! - I do so much thinking, sometimes I forget to live it :/) Anyway, I was just contemplating. Would I give up having a regular life with a regular family to change people's lives? Can I try and manage both?

I wonder.

I want a yellow typewriter

I like the beatles.

Listening to them makes me realize how important it is to remember the sound of music, blue sky, green sea, little children who laugh, banker on a motorbike, strawberry fields, clinging wives, birds that flew, lonely people, girls named jude, the sun that comes, girls that have tickets to a ride, girls who love, and how we need eight days a week.

I was listening to yellow submarine a while back. And I think I know what I want for my birthday. A yellow typewriter. As yellow as the sun. I am sitting here typing on a black keyboard with hardly any colour or life. It would light up my life. By a far-away galaxy of stars. Right inside my room.

I want a yellow typewriter.
As yellow as mustard sauce.
As yellow as the little girl's frock.
As yellow as the sun.

God isn't she Perfect!

Can you be THE happiest person in the world?

I took my project module, without thinking one iota about it. Its a technical Elective. Which in layman's terms means, a civil subject that we chose to study out of interest, not compulsory. And on the first day of the module, the professors talked about how they expect so much out of us, I even contemplated quitting. But 4 of my close friends were doing that module, so I just decided to stick along.

We had our first presentation. We were really creative, but we missed out on content. So even-though the profs commended our performance he said he was disappointed with the bad part. We were sad. I was especially sad. When you work hard and dont get results, its disheartening.

It was time for the second presentation. We had slogged for the past two three weeks, and more so for the past few days. Day of second presentation came. Today. We suited up and left for the venue. The group before ourselves were fretting out and making us anxious. We got nervous and started freaking out a bit. But as we were waiting we gained the confidence that this time we actually hit it. We got our content and creativity on the plate. Spot on. We had nothing to worry about. We cheered ourselves up and smiled. We encouraged each other and we entered the room.

It went smooth. They loved us! All the hard work paid. Our passion showed. They were amused and content. We could just see it on their face :) And God was I glad. We all were. I was so thrilled that you actually dint need grades for this kind of a thing. This was nearer to the real world situation. A place were we need to sell ourselves and show that we have the passion and the energy to do something. What made it very special was that, today I felt like I actually belonged in NUS. For the first time in two and a half years. That means something. I never thought i'll experience that. I really never did.

We made it!

Shaniya and Priyansha! We might not be particularly thrilled about Civil most times. But we know we'll make it girls!
Sid and TzyyFung! You guys can do studies and stuff like this with passion and I am so glad I met you!

I learnt so many things from today. Just to list down:
- Give it your best shot, it'll pay someway or other!
- You work best with people you get along. If you already dont know them, get to know them. In our case, we were a bunch always so it clicked just the right way!
- Marks dont matter so much. Relax and enjoy studying. Maybe you'll actually endup liking it!
- Hardwork with passion! Always.
- First impression is the best impression. Maybe not always. But make sure you hit it the first time anyway!

To many days like this. Filled with positive energy :)

Pledge

I am taking a pledge today. A pledge following my earlier post. Right now it is the only thing I can think of. I am going to try and create my own butterfly wave. For a positive world. For a world with happiness. A world with love.

I am going to smile whenever I can. At strangers. At fellow lift-riders. At aunties and uncles who clear my plate at engin canteen. At people on the street. Smile and be pleasant. Maybe I'll make someones day. Maybe I wont. Maybe I'll look like a doofus.

Room with a love

I entered my room just now. My bed was neatly done. The cluttered and clutter-free zones on my table look organised in its own way. My shelves are pretty neat too. After a weird night, and some thinking, it is relaxing to see my room. The relaxing room freshener. Things which I wrote to inspire myself. Tamil/Sanskrit prayers in english (fail). Even though I miss the PGP room's coziness, I must say the blinds in Temasek are actually creating a wonderful depth to the room. Looking at the ridiculous picture Pigs framed for me makes me smile and miss him, yet thankful. The candle reminds me of power-cuts at home and how he would want to pee at that exact same instant. I looked at all the people on my wall, people who have meant something, people who mean something, and will for quite a while, people who will always be there, people who make my day, people who make me laugh, people I love. They look down upon my clean room and asked me to smile. There is something in the space that holds some love and feeds my heart every now and then.

I derive my energy from my environment. Thats why I love walking down a green lane. And thats why I am glad my room makes me happy. 

After a while..

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

— Audrey Hepburn

Karma. again.

Hahaha, I love karma jokes. Guess because I believe in it TOO much. 

“A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.”
Coco Chanel