Books - how they keep me going..

I have always loved books. The smell, the touch of pages. The excitement in turning pages to find out more. Ever since I can remember, I have enjoyed one. Thanks to mom mostly always took a book before going to bed. I used to follow her lead and read. And thanks to dad who never refused anything to do with a book. Both of them stock up books like crazy so much so that our house has two walls of books. You can imagine growing up in such a place.

The love was for a long time only around fiction. A trip to the library every two weeks. A 20 minutes session of high. Its always amazing to enter the worlds of the characters. It is exciting to look at things from their eyes, to know what they are thinking. Mostly to just knowing so much about a scene. In real life, its never like that. We are always looking at things from our perspective and only see as much as the eye can reach. This bubble is broken in fiction and the horizon spreads around a couple of people. Sometimes I wish how it would be if that were to happen for real!

A recent love has been self-help books. They have come to be an interesting foray. I call it foray because I never believed in them. I thought I dint need them. And what can beat fiction? Until a friend rather pushed me into it! I could not be more grateful. I have to come to love them and the amount of knowledge I get from them.

The little things about my actions, more awareness around, more observation, more calmness, more thinking before saying, less fights, less uncalled-for-arguments, more confidence and more hope.

It is doing wonders! I know it will continue to. Its truly taken a place close to heart.

PS: DREAMING of the day I get my own wall of books!

The sugar-coated X!

I started this semester with a checklist that measures my productivity every week. It was going well. But at one point it got boring to fill out the form. A close friend was helping me monitor my progress and grill me if dont stick to targets.

Slowly after a month and a half I was getting irregular at filling it out. Even though, I did what I set out to do each day, the feeling of staying on a mission was lost. And that killed some amount of enthusiasm. 'What goes around, comes around' and it eventually affected the performance also.

At the right time, I was introduced to the X-ing by another friend! Its been ten days and I have a much more positive feeling about this one than the older method.

I have a list of essential tasks for each day. At the end of the day if I am done with the task, I get a HUGE CHOCOLATY cross on the calendar for that task! The feeling of putting that cross, ah heaven - and knowing you have earned it. Its an amazing little five seconds. A huge grin runs around my face! Its pure triumph, really.

Whatever happens and I am unable to stick to the scheduled timing for a task, I cram it in the day somehow. Like right now. The blogpost was due early morning. Thanks to being a bit lenient on myself, I get a deserved-cross for the day if I get it done somehow :)

Mom believes in it and encourages the innocence of a child in us like no other. This simple celebration of victory excites the kid!

Have a simple task to get done? Try X-ing it away, it is working for me :) Detailed article here!

Farewell, 'confused'

I have a blog description under the title endangered. Up there, yes! I made a list of the glorious things that get me excited. Right now its the perfect way it should be.

Just a day before if you had noticed it also said confused. My blogger name was also concusfused. I was inspired by that idea for a while. I thought the confusion in me portrayed some part of me that dint know what was going on. Just yesterday though I realised something. No one knows whats going on.

We all know where we want to head. We know what we want to do in life. Some of us know exactly how we should get there. Some more of us are already doing what they want to! And me, I am dreaming up that life. I know exactly the way it should be. I am preparing with the little things that will lead up to that life. It is going just the way it should be!

Sure, I do not know what life has in store for me. However, I know what I will demand of it. I know what will make me happy!

And while this chain of thought goes elsewhere I should to stop to say, I am actually not confused anymore. Atleast not confused about my place.

Why then should the exquisite list of things that describe my life carry confused? Yes, so its out. Over and done with!

Heels!

I love heels. I love the clicks they make when you walk around. I love the little 2 inches they give. I love that they come is the most exquisite of colours and designs. I love the curve from the toe to the heel. I could go for days just looking at stilettos!

Also, I usually don't wear heels. I have been gifted with a tall frame. So firstly, the necessity is lacking. I love wearing them. But secondly, it feels pretty odd when you are towering above average height especially on campus.

Just yesterday, I was working on something when this whole ideas for shoes took a walk into my head. I still remember vividly each one and each pattern. I cant wait to make sketches of the ideas (as soon as my midterms are done!) Its like how Harry Potter walked into Rowling's head. Swish, one swift entry. And suddenly I went into an imaginary realm where I was designing exquisite shoes for the world and becoming the Coco of shoes. I was even having my own fashion show!

Dhanya's shoes sounds pretty lame. I should cook up a brand name. That, I should.

Well, for now the designs will be out in a couple of days. Watch out!
(Thats a John Galliano right there! Sigh)

The first flight

My parents are so not the traveling kind. They love their familiar surroundings and people. Holidays as a child were spent at grandparents places or learning new something at school. Thanks to this approach, I engaged in a lot of sports and art as a kid! On the flip side, I never got to take a flight.

It was always a longing feeling, I remember. Go back to school in July and friends came back with exquisite pink disneyland bags, flashy notebooks and chunky digital watches bought in Amreeka - where they went for a holiday that summer. I would just have my Trichy and Tennis stories to share. No pink bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. Well, not from Amreeka at least.

Eventually it did happen. The flight ride that is. I took my first one to Singapore for university. The excitement was shadowed by all the grief of leaving home. God, had I teared buckets that day. So much so that dad was ready to cancel the ordeal. I could not be blamed. I was leaving my life behind. I was leaving everything that I knew behind. I was leaving a lot of love behind.

The excitement, yes. It was around. I paused the river of agony running down my cheeks for the ritual of first take-off. It was dad and me. Sitting in the last row of the flight. They were emergency seats (lots of leg room, yay!). I clenched my tummy as a sinking feeling set in. Ears were blocked. Ever since that plane crash that happened after landing on the runway, I acquired a habit. To pray before the take-off and landing. Prayers were said. The flight took off. I let the river resume its flow.

The first flight did happen.

Be careful what you wish, cause it just might come true!

No pink disneyland bags. No flashy notebooks. No chunky digital watches. But yes flying. Irony never took a more melancholy dive. Till today, every time I leave home I am wishing I have to take that flight back.

Its a whole new life here. Whole new romance here. Just, not home.

Infinite Happiness

Nothing is better than infinite happiness.
A piece of chocolate is better than nothing.

So wait.. a piece of chocolate is better than infinite happiness!

What are you waiting for? Go have a piece of chocolate, we just found its better than infinite happiness!

Lol-read of the day :) Just reading this gave me a shot of happiness, moments back!

Selfless giving

We all know a mother's selfless giving! Some of us are lucky enough to experience it everyday.

It has been a season of sharing among close friends with first salaries and valentines. One close friend took up an idea of buying us gifts from her first salary! And she has been genuinely selfless about it. It sparked a sense of giving in the gang. We were speaking about it earlier in the day. It got me thinking about being selfless.

I wrote to some close friends and family in the last month. I did not expect a note in return. One doesn't have to write a note to return the love. They would do it in their own way. Aside that, I thought it was a wonderful feeling being selfless.

Right at this moment, the illusion of selfless breaks! I am not being selfless, in my head I am still selfish for their love.

In some twisted indirect way we end up being selfish. I am also referring to selfish for a good cause! You want your family/city/country to be better and that would account for selfishness as well.

As long as it means well I guess :)

“Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. 

Listen to it carefully.” ― Richard Bach

PS: The mother's love however is an exception. I believe its surely selfless!

I've learned

Reblogged from A Learning a day! A lovely note :)


I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Unknown unknowns!

There are known knowns; there are things we know we know.
We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns – there are things we do not know we don't know.

- Donald Rumsfeld

My professor quoted this wonderful saying at a soil lecture today. He used it to explain how there might be numerous factors involved in foundation design and we can only make sure we account until the known unknowns. 

It struck me how this quote applies to life in general. Our knowledge is a tiny speck in this huge universe. What we know about anything is only so much. Unknown unknowns account for everything that happens around us without our consent. Unknown unknowns are probably the dudes whom we have named destiny. Remarkable realization today. 

In such an ignorant existence, we can only aim to expand our tiny speck of knowledge! Why waste time judging others. We don't know what we don't know about the world. Well then why waste time on it. Why not make the known knowns matter! 

Love and live :)

Also reminded me of an e-mail I received once. An artist's portrayal of the same thought. Heres the painting made into a lovely video, do watch!

This is where it starts

I was on the phone with pigs (the darling brother!) last night. We were catching up with the stories on both the ends.

Last week, he went to a KFC outlet with his friends for a snack. For a store with only two tables filled, KFC took too long to get the chicken. They spotted a feedback counter and decided to log in the bad customer service. The manager spotted the bunch of excited teenagers, figured out what they were up to and decided to give them complimentary chicken. Apparently he doubled their order.

Pigs and his friends decided to ditch the feedback form in return for the compliments that were jumping down their throat.

Now, I am a fan of chicken. I am a big fan of KFC chicken. To be sure. To be very sure. Nevertheless, I find it extremely hard to digest the fact that they decided to go back on their feedback. Its a bunch of teenagers showing inclination towards bribery. Acceptance rather in this case.

This is where it starts, sadly. 17 years old and they don't mind free chicken for not reporting. 30 and 40 God knows what they will not mind. The future of India is with these kids.

(Yea and he got an hour of grilling on his and his friends' value system. He swore never to tell me any stories from now..)

With all my heart

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"

- "I will be found by you"

Lovely.

I have this little note stuck on my notice board. I find it extremely inspiring. Everytime I think of procastinating a to-do or discarding a work or giving up on someone, this little red note flashes inside my mind.

I have been coming across the concept of 'staying longer' a lot these days. A lot of endorsement for letting the game go on till you get what you want. Profound.

Seek, I will. With all my heart.

I Wont Give Up

I am on an energising morning roll the past three weeks. I wake up at 7 take a couple of energy pills with books, meditation and exercise. It made me feel new and vibrant. Helped me get on with the rest of the day. Three weeks of bliss.

All was well till today. I did not go to bed on time, and hence I refused to listen to my alarm at 7. I snoozed all the way till 8. I was going to push snooze one more time at 8.05 when I noticed my to-do list on the phone. The first one was 'I wont give up'. I did not understand how that came on my to-do list. I usually write down things which are due the next day, or things which I have to tell close friends. This did not make sense. It must be divine intervention I told myself.

Whatever it was, it sure woke me up. I skipped the energy pills, felt lost for sometime and got on with work. I bunked my classes after a long time. I couldnt concentrate on my assignment and ended up submitting some half-baked stuff.

It hit me.

A close friend was telling me about this song of Jason Mraz 'I wont give up'. I had written it down so I wouldnt forget. The song turned out to be a nice hear.

I realised what happened. I gave up for a short while and the day was almost ruined. I wont, not now! Back on track now. Oh and it surely must have been divine intervention :P

The song btw,

Meditation

I am reading 'The Monk who sold his ferrari' by Robin Sharma. Its a wonderful book. EVery sentence makes so much sense. He talks about things you can do to make your life productive. And he approaches them in a very spiritual way.

One of the ideas in the book is to meditate on a rose. Its called the 'Heart of a Rose technique'. You pick up a rose and concentrate on its every fold and texture. When other thoughts enter your head you slowly refuse them and bring your mind back to the rose. It improves concentration and gives you peace he claims.

I love the idea. I have tried my hand at meditation before. I concentrate on my breath and try to be aware of every stroke of air I take in. It used to be very calming early in the morning. I remember feeling very refreshed. I lost the discipline for it after a while. Its high time I went back to this. Ten minutes of calm is the challenge! Lets see how it goes.

Irony

A bunch of close friends and I set out last night to get some ice cream. We were talking about relationships and about how its always nice to have a fling. Someone to yap to. Someone to look forward to. Haha and we were talking about the ones that got away.

It got me thinking. What we were looking for was just someone to talk to. However when your mom tries to call you, you don't really want to spend hours telling her about your day. 

You dont ever want to talk to the person who wants to talk to you. The availability makes us take them for granted? And the unavailability seems to make it interesting maybe?

Irony haa. Why do we do this? All I can do right now is call mom though :)

In a Child's Innocence

It was a very short trip back home. Largely, because I tried to rebel against the system and made sure I had only those two weeks off. It was nice time. Love and food as usual. Some expected hassles. Some unexpected hassles. Road trips. One lovely day at grandparents place.

It was bonding time with dad. Much needed. Both of us packed and took a train to visit grandparents. We reached early in the morning and took a chilling auto ride at 5 in the morning. I miss those auto rides. Early in the morning, every summer/december it was the four of us, filling up one tiny auto to get to the family home. The packed feeling always assured me that we were there for each other. That it was always going to be this way. The four souls in one packet resting on each other.

Entering the familiar road and the brown pillared house comes to view. To see chittis(aunts) and chittappas(uncles) greeting us at the thinnai(veranda). It feels warm. And suddenly all the chill from the auto ride vanishes.

Grandparents are very old by now. Thatha(Grandfather) is 86 and Aaya(Grandmother) is 79. Aaya doesnt walk much and Thatha tries not to. The house has lost most of the vibrance these two used to hold up. Its visits like mine from their grandchildren, thats keeping them going now. It is clearly their last few years. I cant help but remember everything they have taught us. Every little attribute of theirs I possess. Every single advice thatha used to shower on us. Every meal aaya made and her unspoken lessons. I have made it a point to visit them whenever I can. Its all I can do for them. Just be around and assure them of my well-being.

Breakfast was perfect with (chitti's) world's best onion chutney. Idlis and Dosais. Sigh. (Reality of bread/fried rice flashes inside. Yuck) Lunch was (kutti) onion sambhar and selection of vegetable curries. Yummy homemade pickle. Its called family home for these reasons I guess. Its lovely, its perfect, its rare.

After lunch appa took me on a ride around town. I have not sat on a bike in a really long time. The breeze in my face is just enough to ride all my life as pillion. A little tour of the schools he studied in. The family home in town. The hospital where I was born. Amma's college. The market street. It was a gratifying 2 hours.

There is a little girl at home. Jashwanti. All of 3. She was my biggest entertainment for the rest of the evening. Attentive, smart, innocent, worry-less, loving, caring, happy and thin. She was everything I wanted to be. She was walking around with a pack of cards without knowing what they were. The bigger kids had cards so she also had one. Thats it. She dint need anymore reasoning. I decided to teach her to use them. We sat and split the cards into different shapes. She was just learning numbers. I would put out the cards and asked her to pick a specific number. She would obey and we went on for quite a while.

Another cousin joined us so we decided to teach her another game. A simple game we named Jackpot. You split the cards among the three of us. You turn the pack away from us and keep throwing the cards down into a common pile. Once you get same number as the previous card you take everything collected under. She grasped it in a jiffy. I was unlucky that day and my pile ended in less than 2 minutes. She was busy playing with the other cousin dint notice my expulsion from the game for a while. And then she did. She looked at me and said, 'Irru, ennaku innum cards vanthaune unnaku tharen' (Wait, I'll get more and cards and give you some). A person of her words. She scored a huge pile in the next round and gave me half of her pile. The innocence. The character.

I was amazed. I would have never done that. I am too self contained to do something like that. Even if its just a pack of cards. The thought would not even enter my head. And look at this kid. Thats why the world goes around. Thats why there is still some good in the world. Its innocence like this thats saving the face of the world in all its corruption.

I am humbled.

A year goes by(e)

What A year!

2011 was eventful in many ways. I went through major changes with people, places and life. Some have walked in with a lot of smiles. Some have walked out with memories. Some places took new meanings. Some others remain, retaining their magic. New lessons everyday. New thoughts, new emotions. Its been a wonderful ride so far.

Everyday I feel thankful for what I have, thankful for whose relationships I have been blessed with, thankful for the sun, thankful for the moon, thankful for the sky, thankful for the trees, thankful for the food, thankful for the joy. Thankful for everything so far. Thankful for everything that dint happen so far. It is best the way it is!

This year, I hope to learn more, to grow, to forge new ties, to make a change, to be.

By the end of 2012,

I would have attained the aatma of my civil engineering degree! (my own definition of it)
I would have completed 10 paintings!
I would have played a decent amount of tennis!
I would have said thankyou everyday!
I would have smiled more!
I would have let go more!

I will recollect all this and more on the 31st of next Dec :)

To love, laughter and life
To a wonderful year

Stripped Walls

Its a countdown to get home. 5 more days to inexhaustible unlimited supply of hugs and love.

I decided I would pack slowly without straining myself in one day as is practice. I started off with stripping my walls down. I had written earlier here about my room and all the love I derive from it. I was going feed off the living sources of love putting the memories to a spell of break. Today it was time to put those memories into a folder for a newer and more hopeful semester.

Careful tugging of the tape that held the photos to the wall, making sure little pieces of plaster dint come off. Pinching blue tack and securing the notes carrying life lessons. A bend this way, a bend that way to straighten the photos. Plucking of board pins holding movie tickets at GV, boarding pass of first flight to uni, amma's love note, solution to rubik's cube and other romances of everyday life.

Stripping was done. I put them inside my folder and cleared the balls of tape and tack.

One look around the room and it hit me. These tiny pieces of paper were coping a multitude of things for me. They bestowed images on me and polished up everything that was missing.

The room looked eerie. Like a place that had no life. The walls alone had supplied life for the room.

And then again, its funny. How in instances like this we pin our hopes on inanimate things, and in some others even animate people wont do.

The hippies

I am listening to The Dewarists.

They resemble the hippies to me. A bunch of talented professionals from various strata of the music world come together in Indian cities and create awesome mind blowing compositions. Its interesting how we can create beautiful things from disconnected worlds. A deep lesson if you ask me!

One of my favourite songs Maaya by Indian Ocean and Mohit Chauhan

Love

You only lose what you love - and you often love what you lose.

I read this on a friend's facebook. Very beautiful and very deep I thought. I am going to just speak for myself. I always seem to be running away from what I love. I probably took the old Tamil saying a tad too serious. 'Dushtanai kandaal dhoora vilaghu' (read 'When you see an enemy, stay away from him'). Enemy is analogical to a lot of things. Be it choosing my course, parents or boys. 

So, how do you draw the line between loving and losing? I havnt figured out the answer, but I'll be sure to tell you when I do. 

Resume writing!

Its the half year mark of third year at uni. Time to stop fooling around and get serious about life after uni. People keep popping the 'What are you going to do when you graduate?' question. To add on to the fire, almost all my close friends are going to be interning next semester.


All this made really nervous about what I should do next! So, I decided to take the first step of the journey. Make a clean resume!


I knew I could count on one person for that! He is a close friend who triples up as a mentor and family. I sent him my resume & CV and asked him to review it for me. That was the beginning of a wonderful learning experience! Every time I sent him a version he'd send it back to me with improvements. The fact that it was scanned and remarked on with a pencil somehow hammered the suggestions deep into my head. We went through a week of 10-12 cycles of review and in the end came out my resume. Something I am immensely proud of now! I also took the help of some other friends who helped me get different points of view. The effort and thought processing we put in made oodles of difference to the document.


In all it was a really interesting ride, with a lot of awing about the importance of having a clean resume.


Some learnings to remember -

1) Patience - I learnt the importance of waiting for things to shape-up. I am a very distracted person. It takes great love for work and motivation to keep myself at it. I always hurry thing up in the end. This time though, I waited for it. I learnt to go along with it and realize the wonderful journey/outcome. Also, from my friend. He was extremely patient with me that one week! With all the corporate relationships he is used to, I thought it was really encouraging when he waited for me to learn. Very grateful for that!

2) While 'too many cooks spoil the broth',  the master cook can always handle the broth taking all the suggestions of the other cooks - I have always been better at working by myself, doing my thing. This time though I worked with three other people! Initially I took every bit of advice and blindly changed things on the document. As the reviews increased though I learnt to negotiate. To decide which I wanted to change, which I dint. If I had done this all by myself, I know that it would have remained Dhanya_Resume_v1.pdf. This is actually my biggest learning I would say. I learnt the importance of discussion and team work, in a way. 

3) To each his own - Just like every person has a unique fingerprint, every person has a unique view/opinion on things. I could see how each one of us noticed various aspects of the document. How we saw the words. What the words meant to us. This was a very deep learning. Having such varied opinion on things, I wonder how we even manage to run things in the world this way. I guess thats where compromise comes in. 

4) Sweat on details - Every space, every comma, every dot, matters. An achievement may not seem big to me in relativity, while on the contrary it might be something big to someone else'e eyes. It is essential to analyze a detail from the hirer's point of view and to try judging their understanding.

5) Easy on the eye, faster to the head - Formatting anything and making it cohesive makes life so much better. Personally, I like to keep things ordered and clean. I realized its important to extend it to every inch of life! 

Now I am all set for the next step. 'Looking' phase. Fingers crossed on this one to make it to where I want to go!