Malli poo. Cupcakes. Carrots.

One guy once called me a malli poo - probably the most derogatory usage for a name of a flower. Like cupcakes. Like carrots. To those of you who are struggling to understand why I think its derogatory, here's another example. Would it be okay to refer to a tradition loving brahmin boy, as thayir sadam ? I mean I LOVE thayir sadam - I have lived on it all these years and would vote it as comfort food number 2 (right behind rasam sadam hehe). All that though does not make it okay to call someone thayir sadam.

I was in class 2 weekends ago - a small community of volunteers and kids aged 5-8 come together to read stories, engage in story-telling, in effort to increase their curiosity to learn. There was one particular kid who was having a rough day, and trying to garner attention. While us volunteers were trying to channel his energy into his book away from his friend's pencil, another kid from across the room called him a retard. One of us moved to speak in private to this opinionated kid and explain class rules. The others acted like it didn't happen and continued to show our attention to the rest of the kids.  

I came across this post a few days ago, a shaming of a huge part of India's women and their purpose - 11 Easy Steps To Become A Sanskaari Superwoman. It makes one wonder if respecting parents and having a bit of faith is judgement worthy. I get it. It is meant to be a light-hearted take on a saas/bahu stereotype. But is it? Who are you to make mockery of a person's purpose in life?

Let's take a step back.

Would it be okay if your slightly traditional dad/mom/granddad/grandmom shared a light-hearted buzzfeed article on 11 Easy Steps To Become a Career Superwoman?

I felt like a loser years ago, that someone would refer to me as malli poo TO ME, irrespective of their intention. I wonder what the kid thought if he did indeed comprehend what retard meant. I wonder what a mom, who gave up her small dreams and wishes in order to be the best bahu possible, thought when she saw the Sanskaari Superwoman article on Facebook. I wonder what a girl who aspires to become a pilot feels when she overhears a livingroom conversation of women these days wanting too much.

We all make mistakes. I am certain I have judged people in the past and probably continue to do so. The key to #tolerance and #acceptance though is meta-cognition. Awareness of our own thought processes and understanding.

Look at this beautiful video of a mom's dream of acceptance for her child - growing up confident, having a decent set of manners, having a great sense of humour, having a good time, and having good friends. That I believe will create a world of equals, of acceptance, of growth!

Discovering values

I found myself smiling as I walked away from lunch with a friend. We spoke about relationships and what makes some of them click. 

While staying in touch plays a great role in maintaining relations, the fundamental values two people share, is often the greatest indicator of the strength of the same. It is rightly said, 'Show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are'. A recent finding in line with that age old saying is that we are an average of the 5 people we spend most of our time with. 

Whether we are talking about platonic friendships or romantic relationships, discovering the values of the person can sometimes be a challenge! Our childhood can provide some amazing clues to solve this puzzle - whom we played with as kids, where we went to school, our parents and their lifestyles, the way we were taught life lessons, how we were trained to spend our free time, and the kind of environment we grew up in.

I don't mean to say that these are limiting. Every day, every hour we can choose to change these things about ourselves, and hence our value system. 

Today, when I look around myself and think of every person I hold a meaningful relationship with, there is a considerable overlap in values and integrity! 

Theoretical Tuesday much ;) 

Of dreams, of fears

I wrote about fear a few months ago. About fear driving our decisions.. 

Here is some gyan from Seth Godin about that, fear and dreams he says are the opposites of each other. 

Sooner or later, important action taken comes down to this.

Fear: Of being ashamed, feeling stupid, being rejected, being left out, getting hurt, being embarrased, left alone, dying.

Dreams: Of being seen, being needed, becoming independent, relieving anxiety, becoming powerful, making someone proud, fitting in, seen as special, mattering, taken care of, loved.

Marketers put many layers atop these basic needs (horsepower, processor speed, features, pricing, testimonials, guarantees, and more) but it all comes down to dreams and fears.

So here's a crazy idea - how about converting a fear that's being an obstacle into a dream. I am talking about rephrasing here. 

'I fear darkness'

'I dream of conquering the darkness' 

It's the same starting point for both of these statements! It's the outlook that counts. After all we attract and repel the exact things we want and don't want. It's up to us to keep the right things on mind.

Perhaps one other thought that'll help in conquering fear is asking what's the worst that can happen. After which you imagine the calculated risk you're taking in this conquer. If you fear driving cars, you would ask yourself the question, 'What's the worst that can happen?'. The answer is an accident. Follow it up with 'How can I avoid that?'. Difficult to avoid an accident, but you can create environments to minimize the probability of one happening. Drive early in the morning, get yourself an assistant/partner, drive on a deserted patch of road, drive slow. There are an infinite answers to this question. 

The difference is that YOU have converted what was a fear into a dream! 

Happy fearless day, you! 

How do you water your plants?

There are different kinds of people. There are different kinds of plant-waterers.

Some water every single day at the same time.
Some water alternate days.
Some water when they see the plant.
Some remember to water the plant every day and then forget to do it.
Some remember it every now and then.
Some delegate.
Some forget. And then remember to water.
Some forget.

I am the kind that remembers every now and then. I am the kind that doesn't delegate it when I am on vacation and away from my plant.

And after all these years I've come to accept that I don't do it every day; I don't forget it; I don't delegate it.

Water can be analogous to a lot of things in life.
What matters is that you keep the plant (the life) breathing, fresh, and alive - green - whichever way you choose to do it.
What matters is that you don't buy a plant (a life) if you know you will forget it.

How do you water your plants? Good luck with finding your routine, accepting it, and making it work! 

Balance, exists

I learnt something very important today.

I’ve been from the (supposedly) naive school of thought that the world is fair. That there is karma and that things will always even out. That you reap what you sow. That you get what you think. That you are what you do. That luck is indeed a manifestation of what you want. That there is balance, in everything.

And then life happened. And then I started thinking if the world wasn’t fair. That sometimes you don't reap what you sow. That sometimes you don't get what you think. That sometimes you aren’t what you do. That luck is a just luck. That there is imbalance.

And then I came across an amazing piece of information.
My job in one line is looking at a lot of numbers, drawing correlations, and making buying decisions for fashion.
Amidst yet another day of data analysis, I was analyzing the sales trend of a few colors of a certain product.
We have a concept of basic and seasonal colors. Basic colors usually sell in much greater volumes than the seasonal ones.
As I was looking at red color size ratios there was a curve, almost a bell from S to XL. I’ve always thought that there are more average sized people than the extreme sized ones.
And today for the first time, I looked at black size ratios to see that it was a flat line. I couldn’t believe my eyes. But no, it's a flat line. All the different types (sizes) of people are equally spread and what better color to stand proof of this truth.
                                                               
So yes, as far-fetched as this analogy is, I found new belief in life’s truth through organized data. Karma exists – sometimes a huge circle of life might blind us to this fact. Everything has a balance.

You and I will find ours, eventually!

Fear & decisions

A really wise stranger (well, I guess I can say friend) said this when I was looking for relationship advice:

look for fear

the fear of being left behind, or alone, or missing someone

the fear of being trapped, of giving up freedom, of losing choices

different fears are hard to conjoin, but are worth talking about

What is the basis of your decision? What kind of fear? 

Before you reject this idea, think about it. 

Fear of failure motivates most of us to keep plugging away. Fear of loneliness, having experienced it, makes us choose the people we want to share time with. Fear of loss keeps some parents from letting their children go too far. Fear of rape plays a huge role in the kind of jobs women choose, in many parts of the world. Singapore is a nation that has built excellent safety standards for civilians based on fear driven law. 

And then there is the other side. 

Fearless want of success provides the same. Fearless love is the foundation of healthy relationships. Fearless parents teach confidence to their kids. Fearless career decisions take women to amazing heights. Maybe Japan is an example of a nation that has amazing safety standards for its civilians because people just keep at their purpose in life. (I need validation on this assumption about Japan!)

So what do you pick? Fear? Fearless? 

Both work well! But consciously find what works for you! 

Racing to the top, racing to the bottom

How do you do something (anything)?

Do you immerse yourself and get your hands dirty? Do you speak about and think about it all the time? Do you work for it, with intent? Do you put in everything, and leave it to fate to come back to you?

Or do you always keep one foot out? Do you do everything you can do, but not everything you want to?

Do you race to the top?
Or do you race to the bottom?

The difference is always clear as a crystal to oneself.
Try intent today! I sure will.

Inspired by Seth Godin's post today.

Dealing with a crisis

I've been going through a personal crisis of sorts and it's taking a toll on the energy left for everything else. 

1 week later as I have painfully realized, here is a list of things you should (must) do when you are going through the same: 

1) Practice patience - this too shall pass. Time will heal. While you wait and sleep on actions, things miraculously change. You feel much better in the morning after a good nights sleep! 

2) Stay positive - this mind of yours is amazingly powerful. It can simulate the worst and the best scenarios, all equally sneaky in messing with your head. Remember to keep the mind in check.

(Don't let your mind think like these veggies) 

3) Expect the worst and the best - I find this technique quite useful if you have a creative mind. Imagine the best and the worst case scenario. Once you do that, you will face the reality of the issue at hand. You will realize that it's all not such a big deal! 

4) Feel lucky and take care of yourself - I can't stress enough on this on. Imagine the best case working out and go to bed, eat healthy and stay away from binge eating (alcohol too), put on your best clothes and your best look and put a smile on your face. 

5) Find your relax routine - mine is stripping my clothes after a long work day, throwing on an old t-shirt, grabbing home cooked dinner with a cold fruit juice, and watching things that make me laugh (kutti chutties, John Oliver, and Tamil movie comedies).

6) Reach out - The most important step of the process - form a board of directors and reach out to them. Meet them, talk to them, and just spend time with them. Your board of directors are typically people who can understand that you are going through something real, are positive, are sensible, and are willing to be there for you. (I have the most amazing board of directors. You know who you are - I am immensely lucky to have you guys)

I am doing every one of these 6 things and I promise you that I feel so much more in control. The crisis is not really one - it can and will be solved. The emotions are not permanent - they can and will transform. 

Life always does! Hold on tight, you're amazing :* 

(Feel free to reach out to me, if you think I can be useful as your crisis board member) 

Living alone

I've been living alone the past 10 ish days. My flat mates are both out of town and it's been a tremendous time alone. 

I've been lonely, not alone. I enjoy alone.  

As I came home to an empty apartment every evening, I asked myself many questions about solitude. I don't spend every waking moment with my flat mates when they are around. It's a 10 minute conversation and some laughter; sharing. 

No. I realized, it's more than that - it's the assurance of acceptance next door; it's knowing my company; it's the comfort familiarity provides; it's trust; it's safety; it's belonging. It's all the emotions I associate with my friends. 

And as I looked inside, I felt other things - fear and incompetency growing on me; deserted, unwanted, and unhappy. It was as if my deepest fears chose the perfect time to resurface. Today, I chose to fight these thoughts with some loud music, pizza, and coke. They left the building faster than they entered. If only I had done this every night! 

Yet, the question remains. Why do I feel this? Why couldn't I handle this week in comfort of knowing they'll be home soon? It is quite difficult to be lonely with access to internet. Yet, I managed to pursue that emotion. 

I believe the answer lies in me refusing to look. I believe the answer lies in asking myself these questions, till I find the reason for my fears. I believe the answer lies in asking why over and over again. I believe the answer lies in diverting this energy into something productive.

I won't be lonely then, will I?

Looking into her eyes

I've blogged about this before. And I find myself compelled to write about this again.

More than 2 years after I wrote about being shy when saying thank you and not looking at someone's eyes, I am glad to say I've changed that pattern!

Today, I find myself looking for opportunities everywhere to say my thank yous. And when I do look into the eyes of the person, there's a moment of connection. I am also starting to think that those moments of connection go a long way in building existing relationships and forging new ones.

Here it is - easy peasy. Before you begin to say something make eye contact. That''ll establish a pull which will help you get the words going. Smile if you must, and continue talking.

Congratulations, you've just made a new friend!

Living in Kairos

I watched this amazing movie called Kakka Muttai. It's a simple story about 2 brothers living in a slum in Chennai and their quest to eat a pizza. 

The story is a non-judgmental take on people and their wants.. 

As much as I loved the tiny well-portrayed scenes, what I loved the most was the overarching theme - the kids live in their kairos. Kairos is a greek word that signifies a time lapse, a moment of indeterminate time in which everything happens. 

Kairos.

Picking up coals that get them 15 cents a day. Staring at the sky for hours thinking about how they'll earn bucks to buy a pizza. Climbing trees. Stealing crow's eggs. Leaving an egg for the crow. Petting a puppy. Trying to sell their stray puppy. Innocent smiles. Innocent questions. Mother's love. Aaya's love. Aaya's presence of mind when she tries to recreate the pizza with dosa and veggies. Enjoying the TV. Counting the hard earned money. 'My name is chinna kakka muttai' introductions. Thirst to earn their pizza by themselves. 

Unassuming, beautiful time spent as kairos. 

Watch the movie. Or think about your kairos. I tried it today - stopped myself from focusing on multiple things at the same time; tried directing thoughts towards one point; tried enjoying the MRT ride with my eyes closed. It was pleasurable - the same things I do every day were even more pleasurable. 

90 per cent rule

I came across this gem of an idea while reading Essentialism by Greg Mckeown.

Every important decision you take, you ask yourself to place the option on a 100 mark scale. 

If it's not above 90, it's out. 

If it's not a definite yes, it's a no. 

Why would you want to choose an option you only feel 65% about? 

The sound of greatness

The young girl walks up around the foyer and on to the stage. There's an endearing elderly woman on the stage welcoming her with a warm smile. Beside her are a few other men and women, all paying attention to the young girl as she treads on the steps to the stage. After a little hesitation, she lifts her head up in confidence, taking the cue from those on stage.

She walks up to the elderly woman feeling glory right up to the brim of her self.

As she receives the prize, she hears the resounding claps of her friends, teachers, and of the entire school assembly.

She takes it all in.

That's how she'll remember success; every time she does something well, makes something work, helps someone understand something, and goes places.

She remembers the sound of the claps. She remembers her self full of glory. She remembers her ability to make waves. In her own tiny way.

---

I am thankful to my school for so many things. It made me who I am. And of all the things I learnt at Chettinad, I will remember this - the sound of greatness, the sound of claps.

This particular memory of mine, is not just my own. It is that of every student who studied in my school. We were given the opportunity to shine at whatever we chose - even if it was the greatness of showing up at school without taking one day of absence in a whole school year. My correspondent, Meena Aunty as we called her and her team of management, is skilled at creating stars - stars of all kinds.

My confidence comes from a place of worthiness. A place with foundations my school and teachers helped build.

I replay this moment in my head when I need courage, when I need assurance that I can do something.

Well.

---

And as I write this I recall another memory of mine. The great Abdul Kalam once visited my school for a science expo. I've never been in the presence of anyone so great up until that day. Standing with all my school mates, we cheered for him as he entered the auditorium. We clapped. We clapped. And we clapped.

Until there were tiny tears in my eyes.

Many would call it a Rajnikanth moment. A super star moment.

And as he started speaking, we listened intently. One could hear a pin drop in that big room with all those students.

Today, I don't remember what he said. But I definitely remember how I felt being there. I remember feeling greatness. I remember celebrating his success through our claps. Claps.

Claps. 

Look, keep looking

My phone's reception, battery life, and response speed signal the same conclusion everyday - phone's getting old.

I restart, reset, and refresh apps to signal back everyday - I won't give up yet.
 Just yesterday though, while I was losing some patience with my phone's 3G reception, I realized something - I have a 4G option?!?!!!  

I swiped it on and it felt like the Internet worked at double the speed. After some googling, I realized I had this option for more than a year. I just never knew! 

Solutions are at hand and within reach. For those who know where to look. For those who know how to look. For those who don't give up.

Less, but better

I watched this lovely video, where Greg Mckeown talks about essentialism! If you have an hour for tv shows, watch this instead :)

Less, but better.

More, needn't be the only way to go. The alternative is less, but better.

Focus, clarity, and effectiveness are the key thought principles of this idea - essentialism.

Mckeown talks about the opposite of our recent obsession with the undisciplined pursuit of more and proposes - the disciplined pursuit of less. Meetings all day, calendars scheduled from 7AM till 10PM, discussions with lunch, presentations with dinner. This sort of a life builds up more and more when you are climbing up the career ladder.

I am not even on a career ladder yet, and I find myself in not-so-productive meetings, just because.

Outside work, I obsess with how much I have on my plate. I try to do a lot of things, because that seems to be the only way to go.

Recently, I realized something when I was speaking to a wiser, older friend. He is a very busy man, a very typical A-game player. He's always doing something, somewhere! He shared his secret though - while he schedules meetings and dinners, he also schedules thinking time. Time that is untouchable - friends, family, and team. He calls it his synthesis time.

There's a similar story about the great Bill Gates. He used to shut himself up in a cabin for a week, and process ideas for the future of his company. He calls it his think week!

Mckeown also touches on priority, the singular and not priorities, the plural as we have made it in the 21st century! A bulb went off in my head when I heard that.

This week, I am narrowing my thoughts and efforts to my priority - at work and outside. One step at a time, I am going to try out this approach!

Good luck to you!

Remember, less but better!

PS: I've just ordered his book on amazon, more to come after the reading! 

Learning mindset

Since the past 2 weeks, I've started a new role at work. First day felt like first day in school! I was completely clueless about what was going on, trying to make new friends, and trying to fit in to the new environment! 

As I cross the 2 week mark today, the most important learning stands out.. 

Learning mindset is the key to satisfaction

The curiosity to ask questions, the energy to keep trying and the focus on getting to the results - are all attributes of the learning mindset. 

This approach has given me patience, courage, and new friends. It's amazing! 

To a new journey! 

A beautiful gem-less day

Today I feel beautiful! 
I woke up feeling refreshed. I got some emails sorted out. I had a good breakfast. I unwinded with scenes from a favourite movie as I ate. I got some work done. I switched on some music, showered, put on my new white shirt, and left for work. And as I type this, the music is still on! 

Mornings like this, before work are amazing.. It might be the fact that I read something amazing first thing in the morning, here (http://zenhabits.net/illusions/). 

I visualized this - me and my empty fuss-free self. There is no inner gem; I am protecting nothing. Am here to do some good, share some knowledge, learn some tricks, and spread some love. There's absolutely nothing inside that needs guarding and defending. No gem. I don't have to be right/competent/smart in everyone's eyes. 

And just so similarly, everyone has their own gem - things they are guarding and holding up. Their reactions and actions are to do with their gem and not mine. Hey, I don't even have a gem! 

I'll try this one day at a time! Today is gem-free! Today is ego-free!

Unconditional love for self

http://zenhabits.net/unconditional/

This just arrived in my inbox.. 

Unconditional love for self is a choice. Yes we have goals, dreams, and wishes. However, looking forward to these things shouldn't get in the way of perceiving the reality in less glamour! 

It shouldn't be a tendency to push this reality down in order to climb on to higher steps. I guess the present is always in a sadder, pitiful place from that perspective. 

This is you. These arms, these legs, this stomach, this smile, this walk, this home, these friends, this lover, these parents, this dog, this work, this company and this impact. This is all you(rs). 

Relish it! 

'I am great, I am beautiful, I am awesome and this day I am going to make all those things about me even better!' 

Happiness and contentment are choices we need to consciously make! 

Ordinary vs. Extraordinary

Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

- William Martin

I came across this beautiful treasure on Facebook! What a lovely thought - cultivating a habit in the soul to do ordinary things. We find love in the most simple gestures - holding the door open for someone and waving a hand to say goodbye. We find meaning in simple thoughts - saying 'I love you' and asking 'how was your day?'. We find joy in things that cost nothing - laughing with a friend and rain. We find satisfaction in simple things - eating the last bite of ice cream and getting a free slice of cake on your birthday.

I agree and wish that I did more to indulge in simple things, in everyday.

I disagree with (the phrase) not striving for an extraordinary life. I think that strife comes only when we indulge in ordinary things! Eating well, respecting the body, saying thank you, getting the needful rest, remembering to think of the universe and our minuscule role in the big picture, celebrating small wins, cultivating habits, enjoying the moment, and having fun. 

And sure enough, the extraordinary things will take care of itself!

Good night! 

Measuring customer service, inch by inch

Working in a field that is Customer Service at the crux and spending so much of my conscious thought on inspiring people to want to give good customer service, I look for good examples of the same everywhere.

Flight journeys are times when the genuineness of the customer service is obvious. I enjoy taking notes of their behaviour/training from my seat! I am yet to travel on a flight that gives awesome customer service. Might be because I frequent the MAA-SIN route more than any other, and because of which my data points are rather concentrated.

I had an epiphany earlier today while being onboard a flight from MAA. The difference in good customer service, from a bad one - lies in the gestures you make, in your entire body language.

The steward who came to give me food, bent down, asked for my meal preference, and placed the food on my tray; no other glamorous moves. The steward who came to collect my tray, stood there, with his hand stretched out, at about 1 inch (no exaggerations) away from the tray. I didn't notice him for a full 30 seconds, after which I lifted the tray, by that 1 inch, for the hand to collect it.

Now this 1 inch, is customer service. Or should I say customer satisfaction?

I was happy to hand him the tray, completely. What baffled me was that he stood there, without any speech, without any motion, but with his single demanding gesture of a stretched out hand barely short of the tray's reach.

If he had gone for grabbing the tray, I would have gladly put forth my help too. He would have made me feel thankful for having such help. Instead here I am writing a blog post about him.

Customer satisfaction, is going that extra inch to help your customers. You offer kindness and gratitude, for which they offer loyalty to your brand. We practice such gestures at UNIQLO - welcoming the customer once they are enter the store, offering assistance, using both hands to hand/take anything to/from the customer, smiling in all interactions, and thanking the customer for having visited us. I feel glad to have been trained so rigorously in giving this small inch of satisfaction to my customer.