What can I do?

Every time I come back home (Chennai, India) it is an emotional high. I am taken over by the pull family and close ties exercise, the patriotism which puts my thinking into a defensive mode, the restlessness which makes me pause, the ache of living so far away from home and the urge to inspire change.

The past few days have been grueling on any woman's soul in my country. And yes I consciously say woman. I have heard many a harsh word from some men and I have decided to keep them out of my opinion.

There are so many thoughts floating in my head right now. They are bursting to come out and flood the streets. The thoughts of what must have happened when she got caught, how she must have reacted, how they would have forced her and how they would have tortured her is killing me. What was it that those men wanted? What was so important that they had the audacity to torture another human being? A million questions are hitting the walls of my self and asking me to look for answers.

And the most important question of them all, what can I do? A close friend and I were talking about India and what we can do to make things better. We hit upon a realization - mothers are in many ways the sources of wealth for the country. They educate their kids with their every thought, word and action - consciously and unconsciously. If your mother taught you to respect women, you will.

Like how the answer to everything in life almost always lies within, the answer to this problem does as well. We women must teach our family and our kids, respect. We must teach them to be humane.

I ask the women of my country to look on their left and right. Does your father respect women? Does your brother hold his girl friends in regard? Does your family know humanity? If you think not, talk to them. Make this your own problem. Make this your mission. We would never have to cry for another lost daughter. 

Incredulity of flights

We are very close to being able to fly individually as a way of commute. I am surprised we haven't seen instruments to fly as a single traveller (Imagine the jetpacks, that featured in The Jetsons show) what with a century of flying already.

I was on my flight home last night to Chennai, India. It never fails to amaze me - the fact that a huge vehicle that looks like a bird carrying 200 people and their lives in suitcases, travels in the air at 30000 feet across the realm of time.

It is so simple yet so wondrous. Flights that make the man next to me so restless that he can't close his eyes for even a wink of sleep, flights that get the woman to jump with joy when her phone rings as soon as we landed in Chennai, flights that feed the kid's head with innocent questions about fellow passengers and window seats, flights that make an 80 years old couple fly and flights that change lives.

I was in awe for a couple of moments just after take off thinking about all this.

I'll leave you with a great song that immediately comes to mind when I say airplane.

Can willpower be infinite?

I have always believed that will power is a finite source. I have many a times felt this too on a busy day. I would have spent all my mental power on a set of activities and by the time it trickles down to the last set of to-dos what's left is very little.

This article got me thinking though. Isn't calling willpower a finite source a sort of oxymoron? Isn't the point of will power the fact that it can be mustered when we really want it and if we really want it? Aren't you supposed to exercise will power until you achieve what you really want?

I am still thinking though. Is it?

Long Distance Love

I have always fallen in love with far too many postage stamps. When you appeared on my doorstep wearing nothing but a postcard province…no, appeared is the wrong word. Is there a word for sucker-punching someone in the heart? Is there a word for when you’re sitting at the bottom of a roller coaster and you realize that the climb’s coming, that you know what the climb means, that you can already feel the flip in your stomach from the fall before you even moved. Is there a word for that? There should be.

You can only fit so many words in a postcard…only so many in a phone call…only so many into space before you forget that words are sometimes used for things other than filling emptiness.

It’s hard to build a body out of words. I have tried. We have both tried.

Instead of holding your head to my chest, I tell you about the boy who lives downstairs from me; who stays up all night long practicing his drum set. The neighbors have complained. They have busy days tomorrow but he keeps on thumping through the night convinced that practice makes perfect.

Instead of holding my hand, you tell me about a sandwich you made for lunch today; how the pickles fit so perfectly with the lettuce.

Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent.

Repeat the same mistakes over and over and you don’t get any closer to Carnegie Hall, even I know that. Repeat the same mistakes over and over and you don’t get any closer. You never get any closer.

Is there a word for the moment you win tug-of-war? When the weight gives in and all that extra rope comes hurdling towards you; how even though you’ve won, you still wind up with muddy knees and burns on your hands. Is there a word for that? I wish there was.

I would have said it when we were finally together on your couch, neither one of us with anything left to say.

Still now, I send letters into space hoping that some mailman somewhere will track you down and recognize you from the description in my poems. That he will place the stack of them in your hands and tell you, there is a girl that still writes to you… she doesn’t know how not to.

--

An absolutely heart-warming rendition by Sarah Kay. I have no words to explain the simple naive affection she speaks for. It hit a chord.

I am a fan.

Appreciation for a well-oiled machine

A couple of bad food choices all through yesterday has given me a toad throat and killer coughs, all day today. It has resulted in me giving up on working on my to-dos and sticking to my schedule.

I paused to think about how we forget to appreciate the well-oiled machine - all is well until there is a flood, all is well until there is a traffic jam, all is well until bad health comes in the way of work.

We notice things only when they stop being normal - juts like how we notice people only when they start giving problems.

We forget to think about the greatness of smooth running. We forget to think about the number of things that are given - that make the functioning of the day better. 

#1 - Giving back

It is above all my principles, inanimate things and relationships. It is as I see it the purpose of my existence. I have taken many things from nature and society, growing up - I still am. Principle of reciprocity applies everywhere and to this too. Having taken so much and having learnt so much from this planet, it is surely my duty to give back?

I believe so.

Every learning that I learnt so far; Every person that means to me presently; Every thought I ever had; Every deed I ever did; Every skill I ever acquired - they all culminate into this for me. To make one nice package and give it back.

In a few months I will be done with my university. And most probably this is the last of my formal education. Because I can't wait to learn from the real world and from my real mistakes. And in whatever I do, I will imbibe giving back as a part of my journey. Because there is nothing like seeing someone finding you useful; there is nothing like giving a hand to those who need it; there is nothing like sharing and growing together.

With a little bit of my hippie self, a dash of art, a spoon of effectiveness and management, a kilo of community and condiments of thought bubbles (like below) from artists's like Austin Kleon, I hope to make my journey my own unique experience.

To the journey henceforth. 

Project 21

#2 - Mother

I am her. Simply put. 

Mom is always the example to follow and copy. Her habits are mine. I remember going to bed with a book because she would do so. I do so many things today because she taught me to. She is talking parent. She talks through things. She does not hide and seal. I got my candor from her. She is tenacious and committed. She lives for punctuality. She taught me the importance of independence. There have been times when I wondered why she did not come and collect me, instead let me pick myself up. Now I know. She is the Indian version of a proper english mother with her prim habits. 

There was a brief portion in our relationship, when I was not fond of her. My despicable early teenage years when I was atrocious and mostly disagreeable. I would argue with her many times. I have even said mean things. I don't want to apologize for what I was, but I want to apologize for hurting you. 

Those days are thankfully in the past now. I am glad we fight very little these days if not at all. We both are rebels that way. 

I surprise myself when I jump at buying a pretty glass bowl for my cutlery collection, when I deride beauty parlours, when I support natural ways of health and healing, when I prefer a walk to a gym workout, when I enjoy gossiping, when I imitate people, when I displace things in the name of cleaning the house, when I have to have a shower first thing in the morning for a day to be productive, when I can't wear anything that looks dirty, when I condemn (really) young girls with boyfriends and when I fly off the hook for the silliest of things. 

I miss warm silly fights and everything to do with you. I miss hugging you tight and getting lost in it. I miss your food. I miss our random movie sessions. 

You are everything amma.

Project 21

#3 - Father

Here is a man I respect for he leads by example.

I remember when he used to teach me maths up until I was 10. Mom was the officer for all subjects except maths. It used to be such a terror to study with him. He was strict and did not like mistakes. He would give me the project list for the day and come back at night to see what I had done. We would go through my workings and I would get my maths fixed. Those days have flown out of the window. We discuss my civil engineering subjects on the surface once in a blue moon but that is all the academics we talk about. 

I love to hear his stories - how he ran away from his secondary school in Trichy because it was too far from home, how thatha (grandfather) employed someone to watch him while he attended class because of that, how he interacted with his family, how he was brought up by a strict man himself, how college canteen food was fun, how his english boss in his first consultancy job spite the Indian in him, how he decided to come back home, how he set up his company in Chennai, how he faced debts and struggles to become his own man and till how he dreams for his family. 

And oh so much more. 

He is the silent parent. He speaks little and he means every word he says. He knows when to let me go and when to hold me tight. He stands for honesty much like thatha. He loves his coffee and driving. He can never say no if you really want it. He taught me to chat-up store owners and vendors. He taught to me take things lightly. He taught me to think about the present and the future and not sit on the past. He taught me to not gossip (I try to limit it to as little as I can, I promise!). He taught me to be funny. He taught me to be independent (as much as he might not like it when I take the concept too seriously). He taught me about believing in people. He taught me respect.

I can't do enough to do justice to any post about him. He has taught me everything I know and means the world to me. I miss the physicality of our warm fuzzy love. 

I love you apeas. Always. 

Project 21

#4 - Sibling

From value lessons to inanimate things that matter to people who mean the world to me. I have come to the last few posts of this project.

This one is about my dear sibling. I have refrained from naming people so far when it came to friends, but this just has to be done. This is about Athiba. (Yes, both of us get a lot about his name being peculiar/unique. As much as I wonder what my parents were thinking, I am glad his name stays in the minds of people due to its character)

A gem of a person to be around. I remember when I was very young, there were days when I hated him and all the attention he got. I despised his closeness to people, his ability to form quick friends and his lack of inhibition to ask for things. He was the naughty kid while I was the chammathu (obedient) kid. Which means I am quiet until asked to speak, I don't disturb people unless prodded to and I don't ask for things (ever).

Today both of us have swapped some of those characters, mutated into each others habits and most importantly learnt from each other. I am not that shy kid anymore, even though that part likes to take a peak once in a while. He is not the naughty kid anymore, even though some of his actions indicate the signs of a rebel living inside him.

I did not realize I would grow to depend on him this much. I did not realize one can love and respect you without asking for those things in return. I did not know one can be there for you exactly when you need him. I did know that one can hear your silence over an electronic line and know exactly what to say (or not). I did know one can make you smile no matter what is wrong in your day. I did not know one can bear my short temper with such knowing. I did not know one can get you so much. I did not know one can love you so much. I did not know once can make you be all these and much more for them in return.

This post ended up sounding like a Facebook photo caption from a hormone infested teen. I think teens are emotion overdosed but they do get a lot of things. They do dive deep into the well of psychology in their 15 year old minds. Haha, never thought I would say this.

Thank you for giving me my brother, God. I can't imagine not knowing him. He has made me proud so many times with his little acts of kindness and care. I know he will make me fat with tyres of uninhibited love for the rest of our lives.

Project 21

#5 - Curiosity

Questioning and analyzing.

Curiosity about the world is an important aspect of my everyday. I need to know why I am doing something and if it is important at all. I want to know why there must be holidays, why we have a 5 day work week, when lizards became domestic pests, why romantic comedies are most girls favourite genre of movies (even when some of us hate to admit it), why laptops can't come with better sound quality, why each of has a preference of colours, why we are different, why are the same and why being intelligent is what everyone wants. 

I used to have a tougher time asking these questions out aloud though. I shrugged at the risk of sounding dumb or naive. Over the years I have gotten better at it. I ask questions when I don't understand something. I say, 'I don't get that' without shame. 

More importantly, I know what it is like to not understand something. I know what it is like when someone else is asking me a question. That learning has been equally important. I know I should be patient and explain it to them if that's what the situation needs. I know that it is okay to not understand. I know that it is wiser to ask questions that not understand. 

Curiosity is the basis of our evolution. It took a while for me to understand the concept of questioning. Soon I hope to learn how to ask the right questions. I am sure that is a huge journey in itself!

Project 21

#6 - Friendships

University is the time friends become family. This post goes out to my closest circle of friends. I could not have made it through these days without you guys.

I used to prefer keeping family and friends separate. But here I learnt to let friends and family overlap. You start to allow substitutions to occur. I go to my friends when mom is not around to hug, when dad is not around to throw a tantrum at and when home is not there to provide spatial comfort.

'If you were close, the closeness never dies'
And then there are those friendships that stand the test of time, geography, relevance and difference. They stand tall. Because the closeness never dies. Because when you care you can never let it go.

I am sure more of these relationships will go through patches in the coming years, but I am ready to fight for them - to give in, to forgive, to forget and to remember.

To lifelong relationships and to growing old together.

Project 21

#7 - Grownup friendships

I used to find it easier to make friends with people older than me, than with people who were as old as me. Over the years I have come to feel thankful for that.

A lot of things amuse me about people who have lived longer. You know how we always become older and think back about what we were like when we were younger? These are the people who are some timesteps ahead of you in that box of thinking. They know exactly what you are going through. It is as if you can see a snap shot of your future in their thoughts. It could be opinions or just the way they think.

'Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.'

It is not just mistakes, its experience itself. There is so much one can learn from the way older people deal with things. It could be the way to do things or the way to not do things. Their maturity (usually under normal circumstances, they are more mature) inspires me.

I can't begin to detail the importance of some grownup friendships in my life so far. Thank you every one of you - for being there, for letting me be foolish, for teaching me lessons in your own way. I will always strive to work our relationship.

Project 21

#8 - Relationships

I have had my fair share of infatuations over the years. Details aside, they have all taught me one thing - to never take a person for granted. I wish I had known this way before hormones kicked in. As always life has a way of teaching you lessons.

From believing myself to be a romantic, I have come to see that I am rather pragmatic when it comes to these things. And that has been an important realization.

I have learnt to woman up and put those memories for keepsake-ing. I smile when I think of the innocent, gullible joys of meaningless conversation. I smile in gratitude and shame.

I think it takes a lot to be in a relationship and I hold those who are doing a good job in high respect. It takes courage to be there for someone.

When I believe myself mature enough for this phase of life, I will look forward to taking it up.

Project 21

#9 - Living alone

I have blogged too many times about living alone. Yet, I had to give it a top status on Project 21.

As much as I like to think I was always independent, the reality of that word dawned only after university. I learn to do so many things by myself. I learn to think for myself, I learn to prioritize and I learn to think in ways I have never done before. I see raw character of people - some good, some bad but all new. I see the difficulty in monotony or as I would like to call it - habit. I see the difficulty in holding fort for nobody but myself.

I sometimes think about the possibility of all human lives to be single journeys no matter their martial status. And I contemplate its truth. Once you move out of home and go on, you go on for ever. Maybe childhood is the only phase where you are truly protected. Of course I am not denying the value of family here.

All I know is that I have a taste of what its going to be like. It's not so bad sometimes. Pride and Prejudice, steaming tea and rain outside the window will make this journey worth!

Project 21

#10 - Art

My school made it compulsory for us to take music, dance and art classes as kids. And it's not hard to see what stuck. As a result, mom enrolled me in several art classes and I have had two gurus I am grateful to. Mr Ganesh and Mr Sasikrishnan. I have learnt a lot from both of them and from the way they work.

Art has come to rescue me in times of need. It's one of those things I love to do on an early Sunday morning. I get lost in the monotony of creating strokes and soak up in it. I take a fascination towards colours and that keeps me going. Seeing the colours take form on the canvas, the joy is boundless!

Very recently I have taken to working on women as my subject. It's no wonder to see how many artists have fallen prey for this subject. There is something about learning to depict grace and elegance that intrigues me.

It will always be an important part of my life. It will be the place I go to for consolation and absolute freedom of speech. It will be my atma. I hope to collect a life full of works that will carry my memories in colour and talk my thoughts in form. 

Project 21

#11 - Creating Identity

'What is very obvious to your eyes is not so obvious to the other's eyes' 

It's was an enlightenment when this thought came through. Do watch this lovely video for Derek Sivers' post about the same thought!

I have shot thoughts down telling myself that they were obvious. I have refrained from asking questions in a classroom because I would tell myself that the answer was probably too obvious.

It took time to break from this shell and tell myself that things weren't so obvious as they were to me. And that this was the case with every single human being. That is what differentiates one from other - how we perceive.

And this directly affects how I would create an identity for myself. The things I like doing, the issues I am motivated about, the way I interact, my character, my candor and every thing else makes up an unique package. What I need to do (and I am on) is create a brand for this package - to understand the best place for my skills. And if there is just interest and no skills, the best way to develop these skills.

So I can make what is obvious to me, amazing to the world!

PS: This post is a lot of realizations put together, so I doubt the significance it would make to a reader. Nevertheless it is an important part of how I spend my days. Thinking about my dreams and building the castle one brick at a time - in between tea breaks, books and sleep!

Project 21

#12 - Self developmental books

Appa was a fan of self developmental books in his formative years. I have gotten the chance to glimpse at a few in the book shelf. He never forced them on me but I remember reading his copy of You Can Win by Shiv Khera, as a little girl. I remember enjoying the story snippets in the book.

What began there remained a genre I would consult with occasionally through out school days. I was but a small fan. An older friend pulled me into the wide web of non-fictional books once I started university. It was one of the very first things he inducted me into. And to this day I am grateful for that! 

He is a voracious reader and his interest served proof for what I can get out of this genre. He made me deal cash for failing to complete one book a month. The flame of the deal died out eventually, but the habit stayed. 

I average on one book a month even these days. The thought inspiring learnings have helped shape a lot of my habits and behaviour. While it is impossible to follow everything these books teach you, it is important to understand that's not the goal of reading. The goal is widening your horizon and learning. It makes you ponder more than anything else. It makes you question what you are doing. It makes you question why you are doing it. 

Project 21

#13 - Reckless abandon

'Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon'

I looked up reckless abandon when I first read this. The phrase means - to do something without caring about the consequences.

It truly hit me that day.

Giving without expecting getting. Loving without expecting love. Being there without expecting someone there for you. Even cooking without expecting good taste. They are all very very tough to do.

As human beings we are creatures who expect and who reciprocate. These two concepts are not built on foundations of reckless abandon. It is a great practice nevertheless. I have mustered the courage once in a blue moon to love and give without expecting return. And in those very few times I have practiced this approach, I have received the same reckless abandon from someone else.

It's not hard to see what this change in attitude can bring to this world. I guess we need deeper reasons to stick to it though. Reasons only we can find within ourselves.

Project 21

#14 - Sincerity

If you know me you know I am loyal (only to the causes I believe in of course). A word is a word and I have to keep to it.

Having principles is one thing, keeping to them is another. I made a promise when I left for university - that I would work hard to prove myself worthy. However like a lot of things that I experimented with in the first two years of university, academics was one.

I was always the good kid in school. I did my work on time and studied when I had to. I was not the smartest but I put in a good amount of commitment into my school days. University was the time to let go of that character. I did not study, not even in the last minute. I just did not care. I did not realize what I was letting go off when I decided to neglect academics. All the lovely opportunities NUS offers, flew out of the window without the slightest protest.

I remember telling my friend - 'This is my turn to be careless, how long can I be Ms Goody two shoes?' 
Wrong timing my dear younger self, very wrong timing. You don't realize you are sinking until the water moves through the basement and reaches the first deck. It did in my third year. I looked back at my two years and saw the academically disorganized, non-committal, careless monster I had become. It was time for crisis management.

I took the help of friends and family to be my watchmen. I found sincerity again. I found discipline again. I found commitment again. I found hard work again.

It penetrated into all the facades of my life. Of course.

'How you do anything, is how you do everything'

I have so much more time to do so much more things, productively. The results are slowly but surely showing. I have not reached high performance yet, but I believe I will. Soon enough at least. This time I know I am on the path.

Losing sincerity and finding it again..for good.

Project 21

#15 - Thanking people

It simply creates good vibes. In your senses by feeling grateful, in the receiver's senses for being recognized.

We are socially dependent creatures who love expressing ourselves. In the process of this interaction, one thing we look for is recognition and acceptance. The greatest fear is the fear of rejection by the community isn't it?

It's easy to say everyone is satisfying their duty by doing their part. There have been times when I did the same but felt like getting some assurance by those around me. Yes we know, in the ideal world - we must muster up our self-confidence and do what makes us happy without expecting the world to approve of it. And yes we also know that ideal state is imaginary.

Executing this learning started with thanking random people like shopkeepers and bus drivers. At one point I was ready to thank friends and family. I don't believe in not thanking friends and family, a thank-you makes anyone's day brighter!

I have though what I think is a peculiar problem. What I am yet to do is make eye-contact while thanking people. The percentage of times I make eye-contact is negligible. I wonder why this is a problem - is there a deep psychological issue underlying this behaviour?

Project 21