Sunday, 21 June 2015

Living alone

I've been living alone the past 10 ish days. My flat mates are both out of town and it's been a tremendous time alone. 

I've been lonely, not alone. I enjoy alone.  

As I came home to an empty apartment every evening, I asked myself many questions about solitude. I don't spend every waking moment with my flat mates when they are around. It's a 10 minute conversation and some laughter; sharing. 

No. I realized, it's more than that - it's the assurance of acceptance next door; it's knowing my company; it's the comfort familiarity provides; it's trust; it's safety; it's belonging. It's all the emotions I associate with my friends. 

And as I looked inside, I felt other things - fear and incompetency growing on me; deserted, unwanted, and unhappy. It was as if my deepest fears chose the perfect time to resurface. Today, I chose to fight these thoughts with some loud music, pizza, and coke. They left the building faster than they entered. If only I had done this every night! 

Yet, the question remains. Why do I feel this? Why couldn't I handle this week in comfort of knowing they'll be home soon? It is quite difficult to be lonely with access to internet. Yet, I managed to pursue that emotion. 

I believe the answer lies in me refusing to look. I believe the answer lies in asking myself these questions, till I find the reason for my fears. I believe the answer lies in asking why over and over again. I believe the answer lies in diverting this energy into something productive.

I won't be lonely then, will I?

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